You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch

Every December since I've been an adult I have to fight to keep the grinch inside me at bay.  I try to remember the real reason that we celebrate Christmas, because most of the things that we do (exchanging gifts, eating junk, decorating) have nothing to do with the real purpose.  What I do enjoy about Christmas is getting together with family and friends.  I am almost finished with the part of Christmas I hate most: shopping.  Then I will follow that up with the part I hate second most: wrapping.  Hopefully I can get this all done by Saturday without losing too much sleep.  As if this is how Jesus wants us to celebrate his birthday.

So we had a rough time with sleep ever since Emmett turned one.  He started waking up at night again, usually just once but sometimes twice a night.  We are not sure why.  It could have been any number of things: being away from home for 4 nights over Thanksgiving, having a cold shortly after, then getting shots, all in the course of less than 2 weeks.  But, knock on wood, he has slept through the night 4 nights in a row now.  He doesn't always fall asleep easily either.  A few times he fussed and cried so much while I was attempting to rock him that I had to just put him in the crib and leave.  He did go to sleep on his own those nights without too much trouble.  But I still prefer to rock him to sleep and then lay him down so that I know he is asleep.  I hate the waiting and listening and worrying that he isn't going to go to sleep on his own.  He still naps like a champ, one in the morning and one in the afternoon for between 1.5 and 2 hours each.  He shows no signs of giving up his morning nap, and that's fine with me.  I like having that time to myself every day.

Emmett is getting quite good on his feet.  Sometime he walks around the living room fast enough that I could almost call it running.  He still falls sometimes, but not nearly as much as he used to.  He's getting used to walking in shoes too.  On warmer days we go outside in the afternoons and just walk around for a little while.  He walks up and down the drive way and we go down the sidwalk a ways.  He always gets sidetracked and wants to go up other people's driveways and in their yards and out into the street.  Luckily we live near the far end of our neighborhood where there's almost no traffic so I don't have to worry.  I am always right there with him anyway, trying to make sure he doesn't faceplant on the pavement.  He loves being outside.  Poor kid was born the wrong time of year.  As soon as he learns to walk its too cold to play outside most days.

He's not saying too many words yet.  He will say "Mamamama" when he wants me to pick him up or pull him up on the couch with me.  And he says "Dadadada" when Chris gets home every evening.  Of course whenever he says "Mama" it sounds like whining but when he says "Dada" it sounds happy.  We got him to say "Go go go" a while back but he won't do it anymore.  He babbles all the time though, using all kinds of different sounds that I'm sure make sense to him.  I just talk right back to him as if I totally understand every word.  I'm working on teaching him body parts, but its not taking just yet.  However, if I hold up a sock, he holds his foot out.  When I put one of his arms through his sleeve, he immediately moves whatever is in his hand to the other hand so I can do the other sleeve.  And when I hold his coat out he will put his arm through the first sleeve and then reach behind him for the second sleeve.  All that is really helpful, so who cares if he doesn't know where his nose is, right?

Despite the grinchiness, I'm still excited about watching Emmett open his presents this year.  He did a pretty good job of ripping and tearing open his birthday presents so I'm sure he will know what to do with his Christmas presents.  Last year he was only a few weeks old at Christmas.  He was sleeping for about 3 or 4 hour stretches then, so I think he got up around 7:00 after his 3:00 or 4:00 AM feeding.  We took him downstairs and started pulling presents out of his stocking.  After about 30 minutes he fell asleep.  So Chris and I opened our presents to each other until he woke up so he could finish his.  He mostly stared blankly at us and smiled a few times.  Its amazing how far he's come since then.

Here he is Christmas morning 2009 with his stocking stuffers.

And here he is in his Christmas outfit just after arriving at his Nana and PawPaws' house.

   

Breastfeeding - see, I'm warning you in the title

The one year mark is a pretty big milestone.  A lot of things can change at this point.  Babies can start drinking the moo juice and eat foods made with milk after one year.  Leading up to his birthday I thought a lot about weaning.  I was really having a difficult time deciding if I wanted to wean or not. 

As you probably already know, Emmett was born by c-section and spent his first 4 days in the NICU.  For the first 2 days he was under an oxygen hood and was fed only through his IV.  By the time I was finally able to hold him and attempt to start breastfeeding we were already behind in the game.  NICU babies are significantly less likely to be breastfed due to their difficult beginnings.  We worked with the lactation consultant who specialized in NICU babies to try and get things going, but I had no milk yet (which is common for mothers who are induced, as I was) and he couldn't figure out how to latch on (a bad combination because he has no motivation to learn to latch when he's not getting any milk).  We tried everything.  We tried a nipple shield.  We tried a nipple shield with a really small tube run underneath it pumping formula into it with a syringe.  We tried just squirting formula onto me and into his mouth whenever he tried to suck.  And even with the nursing pillow, the baby would put weight on my incision and it burned and stung badly.  Every 3 hours we would try until Emmett and I were both frustrated and crying.  Then we would end up feeding him formula out of a bottle with a spoon or cup sort of thing that was basically pouring it in his mouth so that he won't get spoiled by a bottle.  Then I would go back to my room and pump and pump and get nothing but the tiniest bit of colostrum. 

He was born on a Monday night and I was discharged on Thursday.  Since E was still in the NICU we stayed in one of the parenting rooms Thursday night so we could be near him.  That night we set our alarm to wake us up every 3 hours to go and feed him.  That was one of the longest nights of my life.  Still no milk, and I was close to giving up.  By Friday morning we were moved out of the NICU and into a room in peds.  The lactation consultant came every 3 hours during the day to help us keep working on breastfeeding.  Each time we would try until we were all frustrated and then Chris would give him a bottle of forumla because he wasn't getting enough to eat with the cup.  I couldn't give him a bottle because we didn't want him to think he could just get a bottle from me when nursing didn't work, at least that's what the LC said.  Friday night we got up every 3 hours to give E a bottle and for me to pump.  I didn't have the energy to try nursing in the middle of the night, but I was finally starting to get some milk when I pumped.  By Saturday I was pumping enough milk that we were able to get him off forumla and at least give him breastmilk in a bottle.  I was actually pretty satisfied with that and began to think that I didn't care if he ever learned to latch on as long as he was drinking breastmilk.  The LC was off for the weekend so we just worked on it ourselves Saturday and Sunday.  That made it a little less stressful because we just tried for maybe 15 minutes each feeding and when he still couldn't latch I would pump and Chris would give him a bottle. 

On Monday morning before the LC was in we tried as usual to get him to latch with the nipple shield.  For some reason, I don't know why, he latched on and drank for maybe 2 minutes straight!  It was such a relief.  After that we continued to work on it and he got to the point where he could sufficiently nurse as long as we used the nipple shield.  By the time we left the hospital on Thursday I was feeling very confident about breastfeeding.  It continued to go well after we got home and we settled into a good routine.

When Emmett was about a month old I decided that I was tired of using the nipple shield.  I always had to worry about forgetting it if we went out anywhere and it was messy.  So I made an effort to get him to latch on without it.  After a few days of failure I made an appointment to go into the hospital and meet with another lactation consultant.  I couldn't get in to see the same LC we had before, but the one I saw was very helpful.  We also weighed him before nursing and after nursing to see how many ounces he was drinking and we found out that he was getting plenty to eat.  She also helped me with positioning so that he could latch better.  I was amazed by how much faster he ate once we could do it without the nipple shield. 

After that we were consistently nursing the proper way.  We only had a few hiccups in the first year of his life.  We had some issues with biting a few different times.  E got teeth early, his first one at 3 months, but he never bit me until he was about 5 months old.  He seems to only bite me when he's teething.  When he was about 7 months old my supply dropped for some reason and we had issues with let down.  My milk wouldn't let down and he wasn't patient enough to wait for it, especially when he was tired.  I began to worry that he was self weaning then.  I used to have to pump the milk down for him so that he would nurse.  I spoke to another LC over the phone and learned some techniques to help with let down.  We got past all of these hurdles and he is still nursing now.

I took many things into consideration when making my decision about whether or not to keep breastfeeding after the one year mark.  First of all, as you just read, breastfeeding was a long journey for us, and after working so hard to get it down its hard to just give it up.  The doctor actually encouraged me to keep breastfeeding when I took E in for his one year check up.  And it is cold and flu season so the added benefits to the immune system could be crucial.  I did not get E the flu shot, mostly because he doesn't go to daycare, and the doctor was in agreement with that.  However, sometimes breastfeeding is inconvenient.  It give me less flexibility as far as being away from E.  And I HATE pumping.  I'm also ready to give up nursing bras.  I am not ready to give up the boost to my metabolism though.  I haven't been at this weight since I had jaw surgery in college and had my jaw wired shut for a month.  I miss my curves a bit, but I think this is a healthier weight for me.   And part of me is not ready to give up the bonding time.  So in the end I have decided to keep breastfeeding, but be more flexible about it.  On normal days when we're home I will nurse him on the same schedule I have been.  But if something comes up that I have to be gone over one of the times when he would normally nurse, he can drink whole milk from his sippy cup.  So far its working just fine.  I'm not sure now how much longer we will go.  Right now I say there is no way he will reach the age of 2 still nursing.  But that's the most I will committ to at this point.

How do you measure a year?

In feedings, in diapers, in teardrops, in sleepless nights, 

In first steps, in first words, in laughter, in hugs and kisses...


Now that the final birthday festivities have come to a close, I am ready to post some of my thoughts about my baby boy's first birthday.  The first of his birthday parties was at my parents' house over Thanksgiving weekend.  My brother and sister-in-law and Emmett's cousins Philip (3) and Gabriel (18 mos) were there to celebrate with him.  Poor Gabriel was sick and ended up going to bed early before we had cake.  I made E a yellow double layer cake with white frosting.  I wrote "Happy 1st Birthday Emmett" on the top with red sparkly icing.  He had a candle on top shaped like a number one.  We sang Happy Birthday and tried to get him to blow out the candle, but he didn't understand what to do.  He just looked at us like, "what do you want me to do?"  We gave him a piece of cake to destroy, and he made plenty of mess out of that, smearing it all over his face and in his hair.  He tried ice cream for the first time and made an awful face because it was cold.  But he kept opening up for more and more bites so he must have liked it anyway.  He did a pretty good job of ripping into his presents.  He got a wood train made of blocks that can be rearranged, a nice set of wood building blocks, and some clothes and pajamas and some board books.  I love wood toys.  They inspire imagination.  He loves his train.  He's really good at taking the blocks apart, but not as good at putting them back together.  We're working on that.  Overall his first party went very well.  Here are some pictures from the first party:

Here is the cake I made for him.

And here he is smearing it in his face and hair.

Cousin Philip helped him open his presents.

On his actual birthday on the 30th Chris took the day off work.  I made blueberry muffins for breakfast and Emmett seemed to really like them.  Here is a picture of him eating his:

We got him a hand carved wooden train and the Fisher Price Spinnin' Sounds Speedway.  The Speedway was definitely a hit.  When you run a car down the ramp and onto the racetrack it spins the cars around and spits them out the other side.  Here is a picture of him playing with it:

As the day went on he tried throwing just about every toy he has in there just to watch them spin around.  And eventually he tried this:

However, it was not strong enough to spin him around. 

We took him to the mall to play in the indoor playground in the afternoon.  That is truly his favorite thing to do and we knew that was how he would choose to spend his birthday if he could tell us what he wanted.  Really just having Daddy home on a random Tuesday was special enough for him.  On Wednesday morning when I went in to get him he kept looking around me to see if Daddy was there too.  It made me sad.  I wish there was some way Chris and I could share his job so that some days he goes into work and other days I do so that he could spend just as much time with Emmett.  The corporate world does not do enough to give fathers more time with their children, and they also need to make it easier for mothers to work and take care of their children.  This is something I get on my soap box about all the time.  But I will rant about that another day. 

We finished off Emmett's birthday by going out to eat at a new Italian restaurant near our house that we had been itching to try.  Even though Emmett couldn't really appreciate the food, he just loves being out in public so he can people watch.  He was fascinated by an older boy at the table next to us.  He LOVES big kids.  I gave him some of my pasta to try, but he wasn't impressed.  He tried one and threw the rest on the floor.  I wish I knew how to get him to stop throwing food on the floor.  But how do you discipline a one year old?

When I rocked him to sleep that night I sang him all the songs that I've been singing to him since he was a newborn in the hospital.  I held him for a really long time, not wanting to put him down as if he was going to turn into a big boy overnight.  I finally forced myself to lay him down and leave the room.  I went to my bed and just collapsed in tears.  I cried out all the feelings I had been holding in for so long.  And when I was done, I was ok with it all.  And I have been ok ever since.  I am glad for the past year that I spent with my baby boy, and I can't wait for all the excitement of the year to come. 

So birthday party number two was this past Saturday at Chris's parents' house.  He did a pretty good job of ripping into his presents again this time, maybe even better now that he's had some practice.  He got some cute clothes and some neat toys.  He got a caterpillar pull toy that talks and teaches letters and counting, a mail cart push toy, some clear balls with cool moving designs inside them, and some new Chuck trucks to add to his collection.  Here he is playing with his mail cart:

His Nana and Paw Paw got him his very own cake to destroy:

He made a royal mess out of it, smearing it all over his face and hair and all over Nana's table:

Even his poop was blue the next day.  We had to stick him directly in the tub after that.  But he obviously had a great time, and so did we.

So that concludes the birthday recap.  There are other topics of business to discuss regarding one year olds, but this post is long enough so I will save those for later.  Oh and Emmett had a great First Thanksgiving as well, I forgot to mention.  Unfortunately for him, the Thanksgiving holiday will be more about his birthday since it falls so close.  He ate some turkey and some mashed potatoes and seemed to enjoy it.  Yum!

Beautiful Boy

John Lennon - Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)
(a few edits made for my beautiful boy)

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your Mommy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Darling, darling, darling
Darling Emmett

If he's anything like me

Here's Emmett standing and walking.  That onesie with the Mom tatoo on the sleeve is one of my favorites.  Chris ordered that for him before he was born.

Less than a week until his first birthday.  Rather than try to put any of my feelings about that into words, I am just going to borrow someone else's.  If you listen to country music regularly you probably already know this song.  If the twang isn't your cup of tea, at least read the words.

Brad Paisley - Anything like me

I remember saying I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said "You see that thing right there do you know what that means?"

And I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if he's anything like me
He'll probably climb a tree too tall and ride his bike too fast
End up every summer wearing something in a cast
He's gonna throw a ball and break some glass in a window down the street
He's gonna get in trouble oh he's gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

I can see him right now knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass trying to melt a Tonka truck
Won't he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love til his first love comes along
He'll get his heart broke by the time he's in his teens
And heaven help him if he's anything like me

He'll probably stay out too late and drive his car too fast
Get a speeding ticket he'll pay for mowing grass
He's gonna get caught skipping class and be grounded for a week
He's gonna get in trouble, we're gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

He's gonna love me and hate me along the way
The years are gonna fly by and I already dread the day
He's gonna hug his momma, he's gonna shake my hand
He's gonna act like he can't wait to leave
But as he drives out he'll cry his eyes out
If he's anything like me
There's worse folks to be like
Aw he'll be alright if he's anything like me

Turn the channel to a medical show, STAT!

For a major part of my life I have been a fan of medical TV shows.  It probably started with ER, although I did not see that one through to the end.  Once all the original cast members starting leaving the show my interest went with them.  And its not just dramas.  One of my favorite shows of all time is Scrubs which is a comedy.  Although it was argued that Scrubs more acurately portrayed a real hospital than some of the other shows out there.  Right now I'm watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on Lifetime in order to get caught up to the current season.  I'm not sure what it is that draws me to these shows.  I do really like scrubs and wish I was in a career field where I could wear them every day.  Except that I hate doctors offices and hospitals and needles and blood and all the icky stuff that goes along with said careers.  What I would really like to do is teach medical classes.  Like childbirth classes and breastfeeding classes and basic baby care classes.  I would really like to be a lactation consultant.  However, you have to get your RN in order to do any of that.  And to get your RN you have to deal with the aforementioned icky stuff.  I'm not nearly as afraid of needles as I used to be before I gave birth.  After going through that, a small needle stick just doesn't seem like a big deal.  I'm still not getting a flu shot, but I have other reasons for that and I'll spare you my rant about it.  Anyway, in the meantime I will just live vicariously through the characters on the shows I watch and wish that I could do what they do. 

Sweet little moments

When Emmett wakes up in the morning, he babbles and plays in his crib so nicely.  Its hard for me to convince myself to get out of bed and go get him.  But after a while I can't resist the urge to be with him.  When he hears me open the door his head pops up over the crib rail and he smiles so big.  I pick him up and carry him over to the glider.  I get the boppy in place on my lap and lay him down so he can nurse.  And when he's done I just hold him and rock him for a few minutes with my cheek against his silky hair.  He only sits still like that for a few minutes before he gets impatient and wants to get up and play.  But I treasure those few minutes more than any other part of my day.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about weaning.  A big part of me is ready to be done with it all, the nursing bras, the occassional biting, the pumping, etc.  But I am going to be really sad when its over as well.  In the beginning I said I didn't do it for the emotional bonding, I just wanted him to have the best nutrition.  Well somewhere along the way the emotional attachment grew.  I'm not sure if I will know when its the last time.  It depends on if he gives it up on his own or if I cut him off before that happens.  I think it will be better if I don't know, otherwise I'll bawl my eyes out the whole time and Emmett will wonder what's wrong with me.  But I do think there comes a time when enough is enough.  I don't want to get to the point where he can walk up to me and ask to nurse.  I find the thought of that a little disturbing.  Another reason I'm not quite ready to stop is that right now I don't have to worry about what he eats because he's still nursing.  If he doesn't eat enough lunch or dinner I don't have to worry if he's getting the proper nutrition because he still nurses 5 times a day.  I'm thinking about continuing to pump breastmilk after he officially stops nursing and giving it to him in a bottle or sippy cup.  That way he gets all the nutritional benefits without the weirdness of being too old to nurse.  We got a free sample of toddler formula in the mail that you can mix with milk to make sure they are getting all the nutrients they need.  But that stuff is expensive and breastmilk is free.  And the "hippie breastfeeders" as I call them say that breastmilk should make up the majority of a baby's nutrition until age 2.  So I don't know exactly what I'm going to do yet.  Just like everything else I am going to research it to death, agonize over it, and freak out if anything changes about his sleep habits as a result.  That's how I roll.

On Monday I made major progress toward being a laid back mom.  I made plans with my friend Gillian to meet at the new Tanger outlet mall in Mebane.  It takes a hour to drive there, which meant Emmett would have to take both of his naps in the car, and I would have to either nurse him in public or get some breastmilk out of the freezer to take along.  These are all things that make me incredibly uncomfortable.  I have never been very comfortable with nursing in public.  The few times I did it we were either in the car or I used a fitting room in a store.  I could never sit on park bench and just cover up with a blanket, and Emmett never nursed well in public.  He was always way too distracted by everything around him to eat.  And ever since he settled into a nap schedule of one in the morning and one in the afternoon, I am not very good about interrupting that schedule.  I'm afraid he will be in a bad mood, or that he won't sleep well that night, or that he won't nap well the next day.  As if all that wasn't enough for me to worry about, Gillian's daughter Morwen was sick with a fever.  She wasn't feeling that bad so they were going anyway and just giving her Motrin to keep her fever down.  I am also overly paranoid about Emmett getting sick.  I was so freaked out about it all, plus it was looking like rain in the morning, that I called Gillian and attempted to cancel.  She was very understanding about it, but by the end of our conversation I began to think about staying in the house all day with E and doing nothing, and I just changed my mind.  I told her we were coming after all.  I finished feeding E his breakfast and instead of putting him down for his nap, I got him dressed, packed some lunch, and stuck him in the car.  I was in tears the whole time worrying that I was making a bad decision but I forced myself to get in the car and drive.  Of course I had freaked out for nothing!  Emmett napped most of the way in the car.  When we got there he ate his lunch very well.  He was in a good mood while we shopped and rode in his stroller like a champ with no complaints.  When we were done shopping Gillian headed home with her kids because they had to be home at a certain time.  So we headed to the playground since E was stuck in his stroller all afternoon.  He had a blast crawling around on the playground equipment.  He did a little bit of walking and I held him in my lap and slid down one of the slides.  He had a great time.  I gave him a bottle of breastmilk that I brought along and then we got in the car and went home.  He slept most of the way home in the car.  It really couldn't have gone any better.  It was almost like Emmett was trying to say "See Mom, no problem!"  I know most of you moms out there are probably laughing at me, and rightfully so.  But this is just one of my hangups and I'm proud of myself for overcoming it.   

Halloween and other stuff

As you can see, Emmett was a vampire for Halloween.  It just seemed to suit him because he has so many teeth (he got his first at 3 months and it just kept going from there, he has 12 now).  He bites everything!  And although I don't always like to admit this, he was named after my favorite vampire in the Twilight series.  At least that's where we got the idea for the name.

Here he is showing off his biting skills.  He got that scratch on his head the day before while practicing his walking skills.  This was taken right before we went out trick-or-treating.  We took him around to the houses of people we know in the neighborhood and stopped at any of the ones that had lights or decorations because Emmett really liked looking at that stuff.  He didn't really understand what was going on of course, but he had fun being carried around the neighborhood at night.

As his first birthday rapidly approaches I have been reflecting a lot on Emmett's birth.  Almost a year later I find that I still have some unresolved issues related to how he came into the world.  I'm not sure if I will ever really "get over" the negative feelings that I have.  And I hate that I have more bad memories of his birth than good.  I can't get past the _______ I feel over having a c-section.  And yes, that is a blank, because I cannot come up with the right word to explain the emotion.  I started to say "regret" but technically its not regret because it wasn't really my decision, I didn't have a choice.  Then I thought "guilt" which is only partially right.  I feel guilty that I let myself go 2 weeks past due, thinking I was doing the right thing for my baby by letting him come naturally, which only served to let him get too big to be born vaginally.  But there's no way of knowing if his head was small enough at my due date to have been born vaginally even then.  Now that I've lost so much weight, it is becoming aparent to me that I have no hips.  With the extra fat gone I find that my pelvis is quite small and I wonder if that was part of the problem.  But the c-section is what led to the fluid getting in his lungs causing the pneumonia and his breathing problems.  I hate the fact that I didn't get to hold my baby in my arms for 2 whole days after he was born.  Luckily we were able to bond despite that fact, but I know that is part of why it took us so long to figure out breastfeeding.  I hate the fact that the pain I had after the c-section made it so that I was not able to stay with my baby in the NICU and I had to rely on the nurses to take care of him.  I wanted to be there for every feeding (even though he wasn't nursing yet), every diaper change, every nap.  But I physically couldn't.  I didn't start feeling like a mother until he was released from the NICU and we were in the room in pediatrics.  Then I was finally the one taking care of him, with Chris of course and the help of the nurses if we needed it.  It was still really depressing being stuck in the hospital, especially since it was the first week of December and Christmas just exploded on TV.  Commercials, Christmas movies, the works.  Nothing sadder than watching Rudolph and The Griswalds in a hospital room.  And the frustrating thing was that by then he was totally fine, we were just stuck in the hospital because he had to receive 10 full days of antibiotics intravenously.  He was still hooked up to the monitors, but they just monitored him from the nurses station and we couldn't see or hear any of the beeping and such and he never had a problem.  I guess what I'm getting at with all this ranting is that as I look back and remember it all, I still feel sad about it.  I'm working on getting past it, and you would think that almost an entire year later I would be past it.  Ultimately this is why I am not ready to have another baby yet.  I need to come to terms with these issues before I can even be close to thinking about going through all that again.  I know that next time it may not go like that, it may go just fine.  But it could even go worse.  I have even considered stopping with Emmett and not having another baby.  However, even with all the horror we went through bringing him into this world, I still know that I want to do it again, come hell or high water.  I just think I need a little more time.

Well hello November...

Its finally starting to feel like fall.  Down here it doesn't really get cold until November, and sometimes even then it jumps back and forth between warm days and cold days.  It also means its time for me to come to grips with the fact that Emmett's first birthday is this month.  I'm sure I'll writing on this subject a lot this month.  It definitely touches on some deep emotions that I will need to deal with.

But today I want to discuss something not so deep, something quite shallow actually.  Its something that I bet a lot of first time mothers feel but don't want to talk about because they are afraid of how they will seem to others.  But something you probably already know about me is that I don't keep much to myself.  So here it is.

Most of the feelings I have about Emmett's first birthday involve being sad about him growing up so fast and not being my little baby anymore.  But I am also sad about losing the glamour of being "the lady with the baby" out in public.  When you're out with your baby at the mall or at the grocery store, people smile at you more, they stop and talk to you and tell you how cute your baby is and ask how old he is.  Pretty soon he will be at the age where no one will care anymore.  He will just be another kid at the mall or the grocery store to the general public.  And as he becomes a todler, there will even be moments where he will throw fits out in public and people will NOT be smiling at us anymore.  I have to admit that I am really going to miss the attention.  Since I stayed home with Emmett, there were a lot of days that we didn't leave the house except to take a walk around the neighborhood because I just didn't feel like going out.  Now I wish I had gone out more and basked in the glory of being "the lady with the baby." 

We are planning to have a second child at some point, probably closer to when Emmett is 3, at least that's what I'm thinking today.  I change my mind quite regularly about how many years I want between my children.  And I know that I will get to be "the lady with the baby" again.  I just know it won't be the same when I have a 2 or 3 year old child as well.  I will probably go out even less because of the hastle it will be to take a todler and a baby out in public.  And that's if we can still afford for me to stay home.

So there, I said it.  Its out there, and I know I'm not alone!

Unloading the dishwasher

Emmett loves helping me unload the dishwasher.  And by helping I mean pulling spoons out and chewing on them.  As seen here:

Everything he touches goes in his mouth.  Its frustrating sometimes, because there are so many more things we could let him play with if he just wouldn't chew on them.  All his toys have teeth marks.  This aspect of his personality helped us to choose his Halloween costume, which will be revealed later with pictures.  But you can probably already guess what it is.

Emmett took his first steps on Friday night!  It was so exciting!  We were loading the car to head to VA for the weekend.  Daddy was in the kitchen and Mommy was standing in front of the babygate leading to the kitchen.  Emmett was in the living room holding onto the coffee table.  When he saw me about to open the gate, he walked to the end of the coffee table and let go, took two steps, and fell down.  He wanted to get into the kitchen pretty bad.  I think I was more proud of that accomplishment than any other since he was born.  I was so proud!  He has taken a few steps since, but doesn't do it very often.  I'm sure he will be confidently walking by his birthday. 

I can't even begin to think about his birthday.  I'm just not ready to cope with it.  I'm gonna have to soon though in order to start making plans.  I'm giving myself until the first of November to be in denial.

Ick.

So the cold I thought was weak was apparently just getting started.  I feel like crap.  Good thing is Emmett seems fine.  His didn't get bad, and that's the importnat thing.  Enough about sickness.

So we are going to the game on Saturday at VT.  I am so freakin' excited!  Its been years since I've been to a game.  I just hope I feel better by then so I can really enjoy it.  And I sure hope we continue to play well.  I usually don't worry about Duke, but this year...

I am thinking a lot lately about when I want to have a second baby.  Financially we can't afford it right now, but I always thought I wanted my kids to be close in age.  Now I'm not so sure for other reasons as well.  I know that I won't be able to give a second baby the full attention that I was able to give Emmett, because Emmett will need my attention too.  You only have your first baby once.  It makes me sad that Emmett won't be a baby much longer, and I always made myself feel better by thinking about how I'm going to have another baby someday.  Well now I realize that having another one won't be the same.  I think maybe if Emmett is closer to 3 instead of 2 years old when I have the second one that I may be able to enjoy and dote on the baby a little bit more since he will be more independent.  But when they get older will they get along as well?  I just don't know.  I agonized just as much over the decision of when to have the first one.  I always just hoped I would get pregnant by accident and then the decision part would be taken out of my hands.  I find myself hoping for that again.  And frankly, this time around that's a lot more likely since I am not currently on birth control since it messes with your milk supply when breastfeeding.  I also considered going back to work for a year before having another baby.  I thought the idea of leaving Emmett would get easier as he got older, but it isn't.  I just don't see myself going back to work, at least not full time.  So...stalemate.

Weekend Fun

So Emmett got over his cold pretty quick, but it seems it has relapsed or he has a another one.  Friday his nose started running, and this time so did mine.  So I'm not sure if this is a new cold or just continued symptoms of the other one.  It doesn't seem as bad this time, and the one I have is pretty weak.  He woke up twice Friday night and once last night.  I'm hoping he sleeps through the night tonight.  He is also cutting a second molar, so I'm not sure if some of these symptoms are just from teething.  Either way, its not as bad this time.

We took Emmett to the pumpkin patch on Saturday.  We let him crawl around among the pumpkins and got some really good pictures.  He had a great time!  He stood up while holding onto the bigger pumpkins.  And of course he tried to eat some grass.  Everything Emmett touches goes directly into his mouth.  We didn't end up getting a pumpkin because at this point Emmett can't carve it or even draw on it, so we'll do that next year.  I will post some of the pictures later on. 

On a related note we still don't have a Halloween costume for Emmett.  I want to find something sort of original, but nothing comes to mind or stands out.  We'll probably just end up buying some kind of animal costume from Babies R Us unless I can think of something better.

This weekend we are going to my parents' house in Virginia.  We have tickets to the Virginia Tech vs. Duke game on Saturday and my parents are just an hour from Blacksburg.  Emmett is going to stay home with my mom.  I would like to take him to a game, but right now he would hate it because he doesn't like to be held for very long.  He would want to get down and crawl around and not sit on our laps, so he would be miserable.  We will be gone most of the day for the game, and that will be the longest that I have ever been away from Emmett.  I will have to get some breastmilk out of the freezer for him to drink while I'm gone.  I have rarely been away from him long enough that he has even needed a bottle.  I don't make as much milk as I used to, so hopefully I won't have any issues with getting too full during the game.  Its not like I can go pump or anything anyway, so I'll have to deal with it, whatever happens.  Hopefully he will go down for his naps ok for my mom.  Oh well, its just one day.  And he'll be fine because he loves Grandma.

As Emmett gets closer to walking and the weather gets colder we have been looking at getting him some shoes.  I was also told by a random stranger in the playplace at the mall that sometimes they start walking once they get shoes because it gives them foot and ankle support.  So we went to Stride Rite at the mall and got him sized.  He is a 4 and a half wide.  We tried a pair of really cute shoes on him and got him to take a few steps holding our hands.  I'm not sure I want to spend that much on a pair of shoes that he will grow out of so fast, but they really seemed to fit his feet well and didn't seem bulky like a lot of shoes can be.  I might have to fork over the money for them since they might make learning to walk easier for him.  And they will last him a while because they are made to fit sizes 3-6, so he will have room to grow into them.  Yeah, I'm thinking they will be worth the money.

And another weekend comes to a close.  Sunday nights always make me feel sad.

Sick and teething baby

Well Emmett has a cold.  He and Chris both do.  Luckily I don't.  Let's hope it stays that way.  Its keeping him up at night.  Tuesday night is when Chris starting feeling the symptoms.  Tuesday night is the first night in nearly 3 months that I've had to get up with Emmett.  He didn't seem to have any symptoms then, just was awake and upset.  I was up with him for about 2 hours before he let me put him down without waking up and crying.  Throughout the day yesterday he started having a snotty nose and sneezing and coughing, but he still wasn't too bad.  Last night he had trouble going to sleep at bedtime, which is not at all like him, so I knew he was really sick.  He also just popped a corner of a molar through the other day, which most likely has been causing him some pain as well.  He has been drooling a bit more than usual, which he usually doesn't do much.  Well we finally got him down by about 9:30 last night, after giving him some tylenol.  He would be completely asleep in my arms and then wake up and cry like he was in pain.  He just kept doing that, so we decided he needed some tylenol for the pain.  After that he fell into a pretty deep sleep.  He slept all the way until 4:00 this morning when he woke up crying and couldn't get back to sleep.  I went in and picked him up and he was burning up.  He's never had a fever before, so I didn't know what it felt like, but I was sure his face felt way hotter than usual.  I used our forehead thermometer that told me his temp was 100.  I gave him some more tylenol, nursed him, and got him back to sleep.  But again, every time I tried to lay him down he would wake up and cry.  I finally just resigned myself to holding him and spending the rest of the night in the glider.  About 7:00 he was done sleeping, although he was obviously still tired.  He was just too miserable to sleep anymore.  I checked his temp again and it was down to normal.  I nursed him like I usually do when he wakes up and we went downstairs to play.  He was ready for his morning nap a little earlier than usual, which I expected.  He slept for 2 hours and I slept for probably an hour and a half of that time.  I was pretty tired since I didn't get much sleep after 4:00 AM.  He seemed better after his morning nap.  This afternoon we even got out for a walk since it got nice and warm out today.  He just got up from his afternoon nap.  He slept almost an hour and half, but he still woke up crying so I can tell he's still not right.  Hopefully last night was the worst of it and he'll do better tonight.  I'm not sure which symptoms are from the cold and which are from the teething since the symptoms can be similar.  He's never had any problems cutting his other teeth, but I've heard the molars can be gnarly, so I kind of expected it.  So let's hope both Emmett gets a better night's sleep tonight, and maybe Mommy too.

This time last year...

I had a pretty big baby bump, being about 8 months along.  We knew we were expecting a boy, but boy did we have no idea what to expect.  You think you have the gist, you watch friends and family go through the new baby experience.  You try to prepare yourself, but there's really no way to know what it will be like.  I expected to lose a lot of sleep.  I expected the baby to cry a lot.  I expected to feel unsure of myself.  And most of all, I expected that I would experience a love unlike anything I have ever felt or could even imagine.

Well, I did lose a lot of sleep, but not as much as I expected to.  Emmett slept 4 hour stretches at night as a newborn, and in the first few months even slept 5 and 6 hour stretches, which is quite impressive for a breastfed baby.  During his 4th and 5th month we had some rough nights where he would wake up every few hours, sometimes every hour, but we got through it and by 6 months he was sleeping through the night quite regularly.  Now, at 10 months, I don't even wonder if he'll wake up, because I know he won't.  I can't remember the last time he woke up at night and required nursing or rocking.  And I'm going to take this moment to comment on sleep training.  There are various pediatricians and child development specialists who say that you have to teach your baby how to sleep.  I find the whole concept ridiculous.  These people say never nurse your baby to sleep, never rock your baby to sleep, because if they wake up in the middle of the night, they will not be able to fall back to sleep on their own without your help.  They say to put your baby in their crib awake and let them fall asleep on their own.  If they cry, don't pick them up, reassure them by talking to them or patting their back until they go to sleep.  Well first of all, if your baby wakes up at night and cries, there's a reason for that!  They need something.  Maybe they are hungry (most likely, when are babies not?)   Maybe they need a clean diaper.  Or maybe they just want to be held and cuddled and made to feel cozy and safe.  Why would you deprive them of any of these things?  Even after waking up every hour with Emmett during those tough months and nursing him or rocking him to sleep, he still learned to sleep through the night on his own.  I still nurse him at bedtime and then rock him to sleep while singing to him.  I wouldn't give up that experience for anything.  And when he wakes up at night (which is rare), he puts his pacifier back in his mouth, maybe cries for a second or two, and goes right back to sleep.  I also rock him to sleep before his naps and he takes naps that are an hour and a half to two hours long.  If he wakes up during his nap and he's still tired, he puts his pacifier back in his mouth and goes right back to sleep.  Sleep training is crap.  What it teaches your baby is that if they wake up at night, don't bother crying because Mommy and Daddy won't come, so you might as well go back to sleep, miserable or not.  This is just my opinion.  I am not a doctor.  I do have a Bachelor's Degree in Child Development, however.  But this is not based on that expertise, it is based on my experience as a mother.  Now, this not what this post was intended to be about, so I am going to get back on track. 

I am lucky that Emmett never had colic.  I have heard horror stories from mothers whose babies would scream and cry for hours and hours.  I still expected him to cry more than he did.  He has always kept his crying to a minimum, and when he did cry it was because he needed something.  When that need was met, the crying stopped.  I am glad that I decided to stay home with him, for so many reasons.  It definitely made breastfeeding easier.  I can count on one hand the number of bottles Emmett has had in his life.  And the funny thing about that is, I bought a bunch of bottles, thinking I would need to pump milk when I was gone and other people would need to give him bottles.  At that time I may have been entertaining the idea of going back to work.  But I have a bunch of brand new bottles that have been removed from the boxes and washed once.  I sure wish I could take them back.

At the beginning I definitely felt unsure of myself at times.  The first day that I was at home with him by myself while Chris went to work, I was quite nervous...for about 15 minutes.  And then I just got over it.  I found that being a mother really did come natural to me.  Not everything did.  Breastfeeding sure didn't.  He and I had to work hard to figure that out together, and we have had our ups and downs with it.  There were many things that Emmett and I went through in general that I wasn't sure how to handle.  I googled everything.  I would spend hours and hours on the computer doing research, trying to find the "right" answers.  If there's anything I've learned as a mother, its that there are no "right" or "wrong" ways to do things.  Just different ways.  Bottom line is you have to find the right answer for you and your baby.  That is when you will find confidence.

I knew I would love my baby more than my own life.  But I didn't know what that would feel like.  Now that I do, its the most powerful love that I have ever felt and will ever feel.  There is a plaque on Emmett's nursery wall that says "I love you to the moon and back".  That doesn't even do it justice.  My whole purpose for living changed when he was born.  I finally found my reason for being.  And I've never been happier or more content.

And my little reason for being just woke up from his nap!

August Picture

This is Emmett's August Picture from Studio One.  Since we got his newborn photos done there we subscribe to their website to hold all of our pictures, which gives us a free 8x10 every month.  I didn't get around to picking this one up until Friday.  Out of all the poses this one was just too good to pass up.  A lot of his previous pictures are more posed, but in this photo he was just laughing so big, I love it.  We go tomorrow to get his September photo done.  We are dressing him in Hokie gear and bringing Hokie paraphanalia, so I have a feeling we will end up buying some extra ones.  If you are interested, our website is www.holdmymemories.com/correll

I strive to be worthy

I've been trying to find places to take Emmett where he can play other than at our house.  I can tell when he's starting to get bored because he gets a little fussy for no other apparent reason.  Its still too hot for him to play outside, plus he isn't walking yet so that really limits him as far as outdoor activities are concerned.  I can push him in the stroller, which he enjoys to an extent, but he quickly gets tired of sitting.  This kid is really active.  I took him to the indoor playground at Chick-fil-A today to see if there was anything he could do.  Really there wasn't much, and the floor was made of this rubbery stuff that was actually kinda rough for him to crawl on.  Plus its a small enclosed area and there were a lot of kids running around and screaming.  Poor Emmett gets a little freaked out when other kids are being loud.  Every time one of them would scream he would jump.  So he will need to be a bit older before we can go back there.  I wish we had a Discovery Zone or someplace like that with an area just for babies.  I'm not sure those even exist anymore.  In the mean time I will continue looking for baby-friendly activities around here.

We let Emmett climb the stairs on Monday night.  He went all the way up, one step at a time.  I was in front of him calling him up and Chris was behind him ready to catch him if need be.  He was so proud of himself!  So were we of course.  And I realized after the fact that I should have been taking pictures and video.  I never remember to do that when he does something for the first time.  I will the next time.

Its coming to the point where I am probably going to need to get a part-time job.  I say this every month and then somehow we always end up just barely making it.  If we can just make it until his first birthday, after which he will be gradually weaned from breastfeeding, it will be a lot easier for me to work.  I would love to find something I could do at home on my own time while he's napping and in the evenings, but nothing like that seems to exist.  I don't even need a lot of additional income, just a little bit to give us some wiggle room.  I have received no inquiries about tutoring yet this school year, so that is disappointing.  Maybe after the first report cards go out I will get some business.  I try not to worry about money and just enjoy the time that I have with him now.

On that note, I just love the way Emmett's whole face lights up when I walk into his room in the morning.  The look of love and happiness on his face gets me choaked up every time.  Every day I strive to be worthy of that kind of adoration.

Couch Jumping

This is Emmett's favorite thing to do right now.  He wants to jump on the couch all the time.  He will crawl over to me, pull up on my legs and just whine until I pull him up onto the couch with me.  Yesterday I picked him up off of the couch and he let out an ear piercing scream at the very top of his lungs.  This child knows what he wants.  His toddler years are going to be tough, I can see it already.

Here he is again, grinning like a madman.  And this picture was taken last month.  I always upload photos from the camera to the computer at the end of the month.  Its the only way I can keep them organized.  And I sure am going to miss summer weather where I can throw a onesie on him and that's it.  I always put a pair of shorts on over the onesie if we go out in public, but around the house I don't bother.  Oh and soon he'll start to need socks again...and maybe shoes if he starts walking.  Ugh.  I hate cold weather.

My parents were here this weekend and we had a great time.  Friday night I made burritos and spanish rice and we stayed home and played with Emmett.  After he went to bed we played a round of nertz.  It was a weird game where the scores were very close.  Everyone went out and Chris ended up winning because he was the one doubled on the last hand.  It was his first win, so he was excited.  Usually my dad wins or my brother if he's there (but he wasn't).  It was a typical game in that we laughed a lot and yelled a lot.  And we managed not to wake up the baby.

Saturday I made blueberry muffins for breakfast and we just hung around home until after Emmett's morning nap.  Then we headed to the park.  It was cloudy when we left but not raining, but as we drove it began to sprinkle and gradually picked up.  We decided to go on and walk when we got there, hoping the trees would block most of the sprinkles, which they did for the most part.  We were able to walk around for at least an hour without getting wet.  The park is great because its in the woods but the paths are paved so we could push the stroller.  Just as we were leaving the rain picked up, so our timing was perfect.  We stopped and got some ice cream at Sonic on the way home.  Yum! 

When we got home Emmet took his afternoon nap and we watched Avatar.  Chris and I rented the movie a few weeks ago but we kept falling asleep whenever we would try to watch it.  We eventually just sent it back.  Mom and Dad had rented it and watched it already, but they said they wanted to see it again and that it was worth watching.  I thought it was pretty good, but it wasn't quite all it was cracked up to be.  The animation was beautiful and the concept was interesting.  Not sure I cared for the political message behind it, but that's ok.  We didn't quite finish the movie before Emmett woke up.

Next we went out to dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse.  The food was great and Emmett was really good.  We fed him his cereal and his veggies before we left because its just easier that way.  At the restaurant he munched on his cheerios and puffs for a while.  When he got tired of those we gave him some bread, which he absolutely loved.  He still had some of his puffs on the table when we started giving him bread.  Once he accidently picked up a puff instead of a piece of bread.  He looked at it and tossed it over his shoulder.  So much for puffs being his favorite.  By the end he was getting pretty tired of being in his highchair so Chris and I took him outside while Mom and Dad paid the check.

After dinner we headed to Babies R Us to look at a new carseat for E.  If he gaines another pound he will be too heavy for his infant seat.  And frankly, I can barely carry him in the infant carrier anymore anyway.  We usually just leave it in the car and pull him out of it.  There's not really any point to using it anymore now that he sits up in a highchair at restaurants and in the front of the buggy at stores.  We had narrowed it down to two carseats and decided to discuss it later and go back the next day to actually purchase the seat.  I have a lot of trouble making a final decision when purchasing expensive items.  And my parents were even paying for the seat as an early birthday present for him.  But still, I needed to sleep on it.  So we went home, did bath and bedtime with Emmett, and then finished watching Avatar.

Sunday morning we decided to forgo church because it just happens to be right in the middle of E's morning nap, and if he doesn't get his nap it throws the whole day off.  So Chris and my dad went golfing while Mom and I stayed with the baby while he napped and then went and bought his new carseat.  We ended up with the Britax Marathon 70.  We chose Britax because they test their seats at 65 mph, as opposed to 45 mph as do all other carseat manufacturers.  The seat was more expensive than we could afford to buy, but how do you put a price on your child's safety?  Thanks Mom and Dad for taking care of it for us.

When we all got home we ordered some tasty wings and then Dad helped us with a couple of things that needed fixed around the house.  For one, our dishwasher detergent cup wouldn't stay closed anymore.  Dad and I took that apart and managed to fix it or at least rig it so that it works.  The other project was Emmett's crib.  Now that he is standing up we needed to lower his crib mattress.  However, it only has 3 levels and we are on the middle one.  The bottom level is almost all the way to the floor, which makes it next to impossible for me to lay a sleeping Emmett down in the crib.  And at this stage I am still rocking him to sleep at nap and bedtime.  For a while he was able to go to sleep on his own, but as soon as he learned to pull up he was just too good at keeping himself awake.  He would eventually go to sleep but it would take 45 minutes of jumping and playing first, and that just wasn't working.  So we managed to create a 4th level between the middle and bottom levels.  Its perfect.  When E stands up, only his head is above the crib rail so there's no way he's climbing out, and I can still lay him down gently enough that he stays asleep.  Yay success!

We had a great weekend!  I was sad when my parents left, as usual.  And somehow it feels worse when they leave ever since E was born.  I was in a funk for the rest of the evening, even though we're going up to my parents house this coming weekend because Chris is going to the ECU game.  My dad will be gone for the weekend though, so we'll miss him.  Chris and a friend of ours have tickets to the game, but there wasn't one for me.  So I'll stay home with Emmett and Mom and I are going to make spaghetti sauce.  The way the Hokies are playing lately I'll probably be glad I'm not at the game.  Maybe they can get it together before the Duke game, I do have a ticket to that one.

Dum dum duh dum...

That's to the tune of here comes the bride...because we spent the weekend at the beach for a wedding!  My best friend-in-law (that would be my husband's best friend - I stole this term from Randi) got married this weekend down in Southport, NC.  Chris's grandparents have a house on Oak Island which is about 15 minutes away from Southport so it was quite convenient.  It was a beautiful wedding.  The venue was actually the very type of thing I was looking for when I got married but just couldn't find.  The place looked like (and probably used to be) an old plantation house with a porch facing the Cape Fear River.  There is a deck overlooking the beach in the shade of some gorgeous old live oaks where the bride and groom took their vows.  Chris was the best man and looked awesome in his black tuxedo with a royal blue vest and necktie.  The bridesmaids wore royal blue tea length dresses with a thin white bow at the empire waist.  The groom wore a black tuxedo with a black vest and necktie.  The bride's dress was a princess style skirt with a fitted bodice and plenty of swirly, sparkly frills.  And Emmett wore a black onesie with a tuxedo printed on it and a pair of black pants.  He was adorable!  Everyone said so.  People just go on and on about how gorgeous he is.  I know I'm biased, but everywhere we go people fawn all over him, so I know its true.  Everything went off without a hitch.  I've never seen a wedding where nothing went wrong before, but unless there was something I didn't know about, this one was about perfect.  It was pretty hot since the wedding was at 3:00, the hottest part of the day.  I mostly stood back under the shade of the porch to keep Emmett out of the sun.  He was a trooper, but he is in a stage where he doesn't want to be held for very long, he wants to get down and crawl around and pull up, and there was just nowhere for him to do that.  The reception was inside and it was nice and cool in there, but still nowhere that Emmett could get down.  Not to mention that 3:00 is Emmett's usual naptime, so he was getting a bit cranky.  Chris's grandparents were at the wedding with us so we ended up taking Emmett home early.  I pumped a bottle for them to give him at bedtime and I went back to the reception.  That was really hard because I have been the one to put him to bed every single night of his entire life; no one else has ever done it.  He put up quite a fuss at first, but they managed to get him down to bed with the help of the swing, which actually made me happy.  I would have been insulted if he went to bed for them with no problem.  And I had a good time at the reception.  I was able to have a few glasses of wine for a change since I knew I wouldn't be nursing the baby that night.  And alcohol is important for me to be able to dance, and dance I did.  I was exhausted by the end of the evening, but I felt great. 

We were at the beach for 4 days, but we never actually put on bathing suits and went to the beach.  We were just so busy with the wedding it never happened.  But I'm ok with that, because we had plenty of other chances to go to the beach earlier in the summer.  Plus it is such an ordeal to take the baby to the beach that it almost isn't worth it.  And he doesn't really care much for it at this point.  Next summer he will love it I'm sure because he will be running around by then.  I can't wait to see him running and playing in the sand and the waves.  He'll be so big then.  We did sit out on the deck and look out over the waterway in the mornings, drinking coffee and watching the boats go by.  Its absolutely relaxing, almost theraputic.  Overall it was a great weekend.  Emmett had a blast with his great-grandparents and Chris and I had some time alone.

So grateful...

Emmett is a really good baby.  Whenever I even think about complaining or getting frustrated at any time with him, I just have to remind myself how easy I really have it.  Emmett rarely cries.  He sleeps through the night (he didn't always, his 4th and 5th month were pretty rough at times, but still not as bad as it could have been).  He eats well (with only a few exceptions having to do with breastfeeding).  He has only been sick once in his life (if you don't count the pneumonia at birth).  It honestly makes me nervous when I think about planning our second baby.  There's no way I will be this lucky a second time.

I'm all alone with the baby tonight.  Chris is going to the Panthers game tonight with some work customers.  I'm jealous even though I'm not a Carolina fan.  Just to go to an NFL game at all, even preseason, would be something I've never done before and would LOVE to do.  So I'll be feeding, bathing, and putting Emmett to bed all by myself tonight, which I have rarely ever done.  I'm sure it will feel a little lonely, but we'll be ok.  Chris will be home sometime after midnight probably.

The coming of fall gives me mixed emotions.  I like when the weather starts to cool off.  I love Halloween.  But I know that winter is coming next, and that is a season I could do without.  I hate the cold.  I hate short days with too much darkness and not enough sunshine.  I hate that I will have to put warm clothes on the baby, including socks and maybe even shoes if he starts walking (which probably won't be long now).  I prefer now when I can just put a onesie on him and maybe a pair of shorts if we go somewhere, and he can go around barefoot.  I too like to go barefoot.  I wear flip flops about 9 months out of the year and my toenails are always painted.  But most of all I am not looking forward to November when my baby turns 1.  I am so bummed about him not being a baby anymore, and after 1 he won't be considered a baby much longer.  Of course I know he has to grow up, and I will be so proud to see him reach every new milestone in life.  But part of me will always cry for the sweet baby I held in my arms in the morning of his life. 

So this is going to be a quick update since Emmett is just starting to stir from his nap.  Lately he is waking up really early, like 5:00 but then going back to sleep after a while until maybe 6:30.  Then he plays around for a while in his crib and falls back asleep until almost 8:00.  He's been doing this all week and I'm really not sure what to do with him.  I guess I should keep letting him go back to sleep as long as he does, because he still takes his morning nap about the same time and sleeps just as long.  However, he has not taken a good afternoon nap yet this week.  So maybe he's getting too much sleep in the morning, or maybe enough sleep.  But afternoon naps less than an hour long are no good.  I can't get anything done.  So we'll see how this goes in the near future.  I may have to start getting him around 6:30 before he can go back to sleep.  Its also been dark and cloudy in the mornings which I think encourages him to sleep more.  It sure makes me want to sleep more.

I am going to need to start doing some tutoring again this fall in order for us to make ends meet.  I have put my ad up on craigslist and I've received a few emails.  We'll see if I can get enough clients.  Of course this tutoring hinges upon Emmett's afternoon nap.  I need him to sleep at least an hour in order for this to work, which is why I am concerned about the short naps he's been taking this week.  Now that he is mobile, I can't just stick him in his swing or his chair like I did during last school year and I can't chase him around while tutoring.  Hopefully this will work out.  Its the best way for me to make a little extra without having to give up any time with Emmett.

Well it sounds like he is really up now.  I can hear him standing up in his crib slapping his hands on the crib rail with glee.

Its just...hard sometimes

Yesterday was one of those days where motherhood was making me want to pull my hair out.  First of all, it was a crappy rainy day.  Emmett woke up around 6:30 as he usually does when Chris gets up.  He was too awake to go back to sleep after eating, but all morning he just acted sleepy and fussy.  His morning nap was about an hour and a half, which was fine because we needed to meet my friend Lisa at 11:30 for lunch.  It was great to see her, because it had been a while.  I also saw some other people I used to work with, and that was interesting.  I expected I would because the restaurant we went to was a popular spot for lunch at my old office.  People commented that I looked good...its like people are just waiting to see if you lost your baby weight or not.  Thank goodness I have, although my eyebrows were in desperate need of a waxing, but I'm sure I was the only one who was aware of that, as I'm lucky to have very light facial hair.  Emmett was very good during lunch, smiling and flirting with everyone in the restaurant, as he usually does. 

After lunch we went home and played for a while and he started getting very fussy and sleepy, so I put him down for his nap.  Then the cable guy came to fix our digital phone that went out Tuesday evening.  He was as quiet as he could be for me, but Emmett woke up early due to the commotion.  The time between his afternoon nap and when Chris gets home from work is the hardest part of the day for me.  I'm usually tired by then and ready for Chris to help me wrangle our excessively mobile child.  And of course, he got out of work late as he does most of the time and I was just ready to lose it.  I'm not sure I can even explain why I was so tired and frustrated.  Looking back there's no good reason really.  But Chris took pity on me and let me run out after supper to go get my eyebrows waxed so that I could have just a few moments to myself.  You know, its rare for me to EVER feel like I need a break from Emmett.  Since the day he was born I have not wanted to be away from him.  Not because I am overprotective and afraid to leave him with anyone, and not because I am afraid he will miss me or not be ok without me (so far he doesn't even care if I leave the room), but because I truly love being with my son.  I was only gone for about 40 minutes, but as soon as I pulled out of the driveway I couldn't wait to get back to be with him.   

Another day...

Well the biting issue is still off and on.  Luckily he is not biting as hard as he was, and I'm also able to recognize the signs when he is going to and stop him in time.  The little bugger is just impatient when milk doesn't let down right away.  And he thinks its funny.  So yeah, try teaching any lesson to an 8 month old.  He is still sleeping pretty good, doesn't usually wake up at night, at least not long enough that I have to intervene.  Still wakes up earlier than I would like, but I'll take what I can get.

Had a great weekend at HOME for a change, just the three of us.  We didn't do much of anything, except some shopping on Saturday.  We went to Once Upon a Child and got Emmet a couple of new toys for cheap.  We got him a Fisher-price Little Superstar Jammin' Band Musical Microphone that was in really good shape for only $10 (its $50 new).  He loves it!  He can pull up on it and stand and it has piano keys, a guitar, a drum, and a microphone that lights up when he makes any noise into it.  It was a great buy.  We also got some Leapfrog fridge magnet letters for him that come with an electronic thing that you stick the letters into that sings a song with the letter name and its sound.  He loves those too, and it gives him something to play with in the kitchen while I'm cooking. 

Through most of his ealry months, E didn't follow much of a schedule.  He slept when he was tired and ate when he was hungry or every 2-3 hours, which ever came first.  He used to take like five 30 minutes naps a day and seemed sleepy all the time.  He would only nap in his little chair.  Around 6 months he finally started taking 2 naps a day in his crib that were between 1.5 and 2 hours long at certain times a day.  Now that he has a set schedule I sometimes wish he didn't.  I am too much of a slave to his schedule now, worrying that if we keep him out past his naptime that he will be cranky or not sleep well at night.  I used to love that he would fall asleep in the car all the time, and now I'm afraid he will and then not take a nap.  I know its good for babies to have a predictable schedule, but sometimes I think it causes me extra stress.  I guess he will eventually only take one nap a day and then we will have a little more freedom.  But by then we might be getting close to baby number 2.  No, I'm not pregnant again, and no, we are not trying...yet.  I am trying to decide when to have another and really struggling with the timing.  I always thought I wanted my kids to be close in age like my brother and I are, but I would need to be pregnant again right now to achieve that, and um...no, I am just not ready yet.  So, do I want them to be within 2 years apart so they will get along better, or do I want to space them out more so that its easier for me when they are young?  Do I want 2 in diapers at once?  Will I be able to give the 2nd baby the attention they deserve if we do it too soon?  Decisions, decisions.  And that brings me to another subject, gender selection, which I will not address at this time.  I'll save that for another post because I'm sure that will be good and controversial.

Its always something

So today we had a recurrence of an old breastfeeding issue: biting.  Emmett had an issue with biting a few months ago that only lasted a day before he learned a very simple concept: biting = no milk.  Today we had to revisit that concept and it seems as if it sunk in once again.  And it figures, we just got over an issue with slow let down and things were going good for a while.  Man, it sure hurts.  And it just creates a negative atmosphere for both of us.  It makes me so nervous when I go to feed him that I literally sweat from fear of being bitten.  And he feels frustrated because he doesn't understand what he's doing and why his food is being taken away.  Breastfeeding is usually such a wonderful bonding experience that creates a mutual sense of comfort and happiness, and biting can ruin that so quickly.  I just wish I knew what made him start biting out of nowhere and how to make him understand that he needs to stop.  Last time it was right in the middle of when he popped out a bunch of teeth in a matter of days, so there's a good chance its teething.  He managed to nurse at bedtime tonight without biting, so let's hope we're making progress.

Watching some preseason NFL tonight.  No surprise, Carolina is losing to Baltimore.  I can't wait for the real season to start.  Maybe Pittsburgh will make it to the Super Bowl again.

Well I'm starting to fall asleep while typing so I'm off to bed.  E woke up at 2:30 again last night for some reason.  Now that he sleeps through the night most of the time, when he gets up even once it makes me feel really tired the next day.

Summer Days

This is where you will find Emmett 90% of the time that he is awake.  Standing up, holding onto the coffee table or the ottoman.  He is fascinated with anything on the table, especially the lap top.  Anything that looks like a grown up toy.  He crawls all over the living room, and the kitchen too whenever I let him.  We finally had to put padding around the edge of the coffee table because he keeps bumping his head or his chin on it.  Now that he's mobile he is always getting little bumps and bruises and I have a feeling this is only the beginning. 

This morning Emmett slept til 7:00, which is pretty good.  He usually wakes up before then, and as a general rule if he wakes up before 7:00 he will nurse and go back to sleep for a little while, maybe until 8:00.  Last night he woke up around 2:30 and couldn't seem to get back to sleep.  I nursed him and rocked him back to sleep and actually enjoyed it since he almost always sleeps through the night now.  I almost miss getting up at night with him. 

It was cool enough this morning that we were able to go for a walk around the neighborhood.  I was still sweaty by the time we got back.  I like morning walks.  Its really peaceful and quiet in the neighborhood with most people gone to work.  We don't get to go for walks nearly as often now that its so hot.  All winter when E was little we walked any day that it was 40 degrees or higher.  He just slept so much better when he got some fresh air and sunlight.  Its weird to say "when E was little" like he's all grown up or something.  He's still little, just not little bitty newborn little.  I can't think about that without crying.

This afternoon we went to Target so I could check out some clearance sales.  I have some birthday money to spend and I always hoard it for way too long.  I found a few shirts and a pair of purple shorts that are just so me.  I wanted to find a new bathing suit, but I didn't see anything I liked.  I am really frustrated about that particular subject right now.  I am down 25 pounds from where I was prepregnancy.  I gained about 40 while pregnant, so that plus the 25 is a total of 65 pounds lost.  The only time I weighed less than this after high school was in college after my jaw surgery when my jaw was wired shut for 5 weeks and I was on a liquid only diet.  And still, my stomach is all flabby and stretchmarked from pregnancy so I still can't comfortably wear a bikini.  I was looking for a tankini.  I have one, but the top doesn't fit tight to my stomach so in the water it floats up.  I want to find one that has a more fitted top.

Moments like this one are few and far between now.  Emmett doesn't want to be held, he wants to be moving all the time.  I treasure these brief instances.