I am 26 weeks pregnant, and this is the first time I have mentioned it on my blog. Most people that read my blog already know anyway. But I guess its time that I write about it.
We are expecting our second child on July 1st. We don't know the gender yet, it was unable to be determined during our last sonogram. We should have another sonogram on Tuesday, but I'm not getting my hopes up that we'll find anything out. I'm not sure if its just that my children are shy or that my doctors' office has poor quality sonogram equipment, because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Emmett. Regardless, we are going to get a 3D sonogram done around 30 weeks, so we'll know by then for sure. Emmett thinks he is having a baby sister. He won't even consider the fact that it might be a boy. However, I have a strong feeling that its another boy. But who knows, I had a feeling Emmett was a girl, so what do I know?
This weekend Emmett is going to spend Saturday night at his grandparents' house so that we can work on his new bedroom. We need to get it cleaned out, move the queen bed out and put a bunch of stuff in storage. I hate losing our guest bedroom, but honestly we don't use it very often, only when family comes to stay. We mostly use it for storage right now. We are considering getting a pullout couch for the living room, but we really don't need a new couch and then we'd have one more thing to put in storage to use later. Hopefully we'll get a lot done, because we really need to get Emmett's new room ready so that he has time to get used to it before the baby comes. I don't want him to feel like he got pushed out of his room because of the baby. But Emmett's nursery was neutral (remember how I mentioned that we didn't know he was a boy until I was 30 weeks along?) so we figure we might as well just leave the nursery decorated the way it is (it has a celestial theme, all stars and moons and such). And even though Emmett's crib is a convertible one that goes to toddler bed and then to full size bed, we think we are just going to use it as a crib for now and get him a twin bed. We considered bunk beds, but I think we've decided against that for now. Of course if we have another boy they could eventually share a room, but I don't want them to feel like they have to. Even brothers need their own space. Not sure what kind of theme I want to do for his big boy room. I'm not sure if I want to let him pick out his own or not. I'm not a big fan of cartoon character themed rooms (I feel the same way about clothes for him) and I have a feeling that's what he'd pick if I let him. I'd rather just have a combination of solid colors. But if he picked it out himself, he may be more interested in sleeping in there. I'll think some more on it and decide later.
I've had some difficulty with my feelings regarding this pregnancy. I just can't believe how different it feels. I haven't had the same level of excitement, and in fact in some ways I am dreading this. Is that terrible to say? I can't help it, its the truth. First of all, I'm not looking forward to another labor and delivery. The day Emmett was born was the best day of my life and the worst day of my life all at the same time. I'm terrified to go through it all again. Not only was labor painful and exhausting, but it ended in a c-section after more than 24 hours of labor, and the worst part is that Emmett had breathing problems that were life-threatening and his first night was very scary. And I slept through it. I wasn't even able to be there with him because I was too out of it from pain meds and sheer exhaustion. I am so afraid that the same thing is going to happen again. I am hoping to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) and if all goes well with the pregnancy I should be able to try. But that in itself comes with its own risks to me and the baby. But really, how could it possibly go any worse?
And then there's the fear of doing the whole newborn phase again, up all night, no sleep, exhaustion that threatens your very sanity...with a 2 year old at the same time. Emmett should also be very afraid, because the Mommy he knows may not be the same for a while, or ever again.
All of these things weighing on my mind are keeping me from enjoying this pregnancy. I really wish I could somehow let it all go. I just want to be excited again, about the miracle that a new baby is. I know that once its all over and I have a healthy baby in my arms, I will be ok. But until then I just don't know.
