Sweet little moments

When Emmett wakes up in the morning, he babbles and plays in his crib so nicely.  Its hard for me to convince myself to get out of bed and go get him.  But after a while I can't resist the urge to be with him.  When he hears me open the door his head pops up over the crib rail and he smiles so big.  I pick him up and carry him over to the glider.  I get the boppy in place on my lap and lay him down so he can nurse.  And when he's done I just hold him and rock him for a few minutes with my cheek against his silky hair.  He only sits still like that for a few minutes before he gets impatient and wants to get up and play.  But I treasure those few minutes more than any other part of my day.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about weaning.  A big part of me is ready to be done with it all, the nursing bras, the occassional biting, the pumping, etc.  But I am going to be really sad when its over as well.  In the beginning I said I didn't do it for the emotional bonding, I just wanted him to have the best nutrition.  Well somewhere along the way the emotional attachment grew.  I'm not sure if I will know when its the last time.  It depends on if he gives it up on his own or if I cut him off before that happens.  I think it will be better if I don't know, otherwise I'll bawl my eyes out the whole time and Emmett will wonder what's wrong with me.  But I do think there comes a time when enough is enough.  I don't want to get to the point where he can walk up to me and ask to nurse.  I find the thought of that a little disturbing.  Another reason I'm not quite ready to stop is that right now I don't have to worry about what he eats because he's still nursing.  If he doesn't eat enough lunch or dinner I don't have to worry if he's getting the proper nutrition because he still nurses 5 times a day.  I'm thinking about continuing to pump breastmilk after he officially stops nursing and giving it to him in a bottle or sippy cup.  That way he gets all the nutritional benefits without the weirdness of being too old to nurse.  We got a free sample of toddler formula in the mail that you can mix with milk to make sure they are getting all the nutrients they need.  But that stuff is expensive and breastmilk is free.  And the "hippie breastfeeders" as I call them say that breastmilk should make up the majority of a baby's nutrition until age 2.  So I don't know exactly what I'm going to do yet.  Just like everything else I am going to research it to death, agonize over it, and freak out if anything changes about his sleep habits as a result.  That's how I roll.

On Monday I made major progress toward being a laid back mom.  I made plans with my friend Gillian to meet at the new Tanger outlet mall in Mebane.  It takes a hour to drive there, which meant Emmett would have to take both of his naps in the car, and I would have to either nurse him in public or get some breastmilk out of the freezer to take along.  These are all things that make me incredibly uncomfortable.  I have never been very comfortable with nursing in public.  The few times I did it we were either in the car or I used a fitting room in a store.  I could never sit on park bench and just cover up with a blanket, and Emmett never nursed well in public.  He was always way too distracted by everything around him to eat.  And ever since he settled into a nap schedule of one in the morning and one in the afternoon, I am not very good about interrupting that schedule.  I'm afraid he will be in a bad mood, or that he won't sleep well that night, or that he won't nap well the next day.  As if all that wasn't enough for me to worry about, Gillian's daughter Morwen was sick with a fever.  She wasn't feeling that bad so they were going anyway and just giving her Motrin to keep her fever down.  I am also overly paranoid about Emmett getting sick.  I was so freaked out about it all, plus it was looking like rain in the morning, that I called Gillian and attempted to cancel.  She was very understanding about it, but by the end of our conversation I began to think about staying in the house all day with E and doing nothing, and I just changed my mind.  I told her we were coming after all.  I finished feeding E his breakfast and instead of putting him down for his nap, I got him dressed, packed some lunch, and stuck him in the car.  I was in tears the whole time worrying that I was making a bad decision but I forced myself to get in the car and drive.  Of course I had freaked out for nothing!  Emmett napped most of the way in the car.  When we got there he ate his lunch very well.  He was in a good mood while we shopped and rode in his stroller like a champ with no complaints.  When we were done shopping Gillian headed home with her kids because they had to be home at a certain time.  So we headed to the playground since E was stuck in his stroller all afternoon.  He had a blast crawling around on the playground equipment.  He did a little bit of walking and I held him in my lap and slid down one of the slides.  He had a great time.  I gave him a bottle of breastmilk that I brought along and then we got in the car and went home.  He slept most of the way home in the car.  It really couldn't have gone any better.  It was almost like Emmett was trying to say "See Mom, no problem!"  I know most of you moms out there are probably laughing at me, and rightfully so.  But this is just one of my hangups and I'm proud of myself for overcoming it.