The Calm Before the Storm

Another school year is coming to a close, and as I sit and bask in the quiet of my home for the last full school day without my boys, I feel the need to put some thoughts into words...

As another long summer looms ahead of us, I am reflecting on last year's screen-free summer. Have we regressed some in our screen time since last summer? Yes, some. But not as much as I expected. We are flexible with screen time, and I feel that the boys have retained a lot of their ability to entertain themselves without screens. We still keep it in moderation.

Since last summer we have moved to a new home. The new house has a bonus room that we have turned into a play room. The boys actually spend a lot of time in there playing with toys together and this has been a positive in our lives, especially because the mess stays concentrated to one room. They can go to bed without having to clean up their bedrooms or step over toys on their way. The new house also has a bigger, fenced-in back yard with a large patio for more outdoor enjoyment space. And probably the biggest highlight is that the new neighborhood has a pool that just opened up since Memorial Day weekend. It is a very short walk from our house. That alone will give us more to do to get out of the house. This summer has a lot of potential to be pretty awesome!

This has been an awesome school year for both my boys. They have had amazing teachers and I'm very sorry to see this year come to an end. Emmett has had one of his best years yet, and his teacher deserves most of the credit, along with an experimental treatment for ADHD called Braincore Therapy, also known as Neurofeedback. It improved his focus and behavior and it's made all of our lives a little easier. Owen has developed a reputation for being the nice kid who makes sure no one is left out. As a mother, it doesn't get much better than that. I surprised him earlier in the week with a birthday lunch at school, because just like me, he has a July birthday and never gets to celebrate at school. I decided he deserved it for being such a great kid.

I'm trying to come up with some kind of experiment or theme for our summer this year. We won't give up screens again, because I feel like we still have a pretty good handle on that. Both boys could use more reading time in their day, so maybe we'll do some sort of reading incentive. I'd also like Emmett to learn how to type properly, so maybe I'll look for online typing practice. Owen needs to work on his speech over the summer, pronouncing R's and Th's, so maybe I can find something for that.

This post has been more of an update on our status quo than an expression of feelings. I am feeling emotional today, but I can't really define it. So I won't try. I'm going to do my best to enjoy my last day of freedom before I go back to being a full-time stay-at-home mother for the next few months. It's always hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

The Results are In...

Here we are, the night before my kids go back to school. And you're wondering, did we make it? Did we touch even one device or watch a single TV show or movie all summer?

Of course we did! I'm not perfect. But we did break the cycle. We stopped using screens as a crutch. Here are the most positive of accomplishments:

• The boys can eat at a restaurant without playing devices.
• The boys can wait in waiting rooms without playing devices.
• The boys can grocery shop with me without playing devices (and for the most part I don't go crazy, emphasis on "for the most part.")
• The boys can get up in the morning and play quietly with toys and each other while I sleep in.

New rules in our house include:

• The boys must earn marbles toward screen time. 1 marble = 30 minutes. They earn them by doing chores around the house. This is just for phone or tablet time, TV is separate. 
• The maximum amount of device playing time per day is 1 hour no matter how many marbles they earn. Exceptions can be made as I see fit.
• TV can be watched with permission, but much less. And we've eliminated certain shows such as gaming shows and other "junk." I encourage movies, which tend to have much more depth to the story line, teach more of a lesson, deal with deeper emotions, and require a much longer attention span.

Screen time has majorly increased in the last few weeks as we've been prepping our home to sell, which requires that the boys keep their rooms very neat. Screen time helps with that. Throughout this extremely difficult process, it's easier for everyone. Now that school is back in session starting tomorrow, much less screen time should be required to keep the status quo. We are toying with the idea of relegating all screen time to weekends during the school year, but I'm hesitant as I don't want to encourage weekend binging. We may just stick to our one hour rule for weekdays, but give them the choice of TV or devices, not both. We'll just have to experiment. 

It seems that with increased screen time, ADHD behavior in Emmett has increased. I'm not certain that we have a clear cause and effect situation here, but signs point to yes (I asked my Magic 8 Ball). Owen still struggles to entertain himself independently without screens, but greatly improved over the summer. His love of video games will not diminish with any experiment it seems. We've got a hardcore gamer on our hands. 

The experiment was certainly an eye-opening experience that improved our household for the better. Did it fix all of our problems and produce perfect angel children? No! Get real. Did we play outside all summer and get tons of fresh air? No! North Carolina summers are too freakin' hot for that mess. Unless you're in a pool, forget about it. We swam some in pools and at the beach, but mostly we stayed inside in the air conditioning. We went to the library, we read books, we went to the Children's Museum and the Science Museum. We played board games...so many board games.

And we survived. We beat the addiction. I set out to make a change and I didn't give up.

One month down!

I truly intended to blog so much more this summer. If not daily, at least a few times a week. Well here we are, a month in, and this is my first update since the very first week. There have certainly been some ups and downs as well as some screen time allowed in specific scenarios. But all in all, I'd say we have, for the most part, broken the screen habit. I'm actually surprised how it just seemed to happen without any of us realizing it.

We spent the past week at the beach with their grandparents and great-grandparents and at first they struggled because they're used to a lot of screen time there. They used to get up in the morning and immediately start playing games on their phones or watching TV or asking to play on Nana's iPad or playing the Xbox...for heaven's sake, screens are everywhere! The only time they weren't on screens was when we were out on the actual beach or riding on the boat or jet skiis. Owen would complain about having to stop screening to go out on the beach and wouldn't want to stay long once we got there. (He kinda hates sand too.) But this year, without screens they were so much more excited to get out of the beach house and do things. They even got a chance to go out fishing in the open ocean for the first time. Owen caught a fish and responded with a quote that I think truly reflects the positive change in him: "This is my new favorite thing!" Oh my heart!

In between outdoor activities, they did have some time to play the Xbox and watch a few TV shows when they really needed some down time. But those times were few and far between. We celebrated Owen's 6th birthday while we were at the beach. He received some LEGO sets that he had specifically asked for (even though he typically doesn't enjoy LEGOs quite as much as Emmett does). Well today he spent the entire day building his LEGO mountain police station, all while Emmett was at cub scout day camp. He worked patiently and quietly and only asked for help when he was truly stuck or when he couldn't find the right piece he needed. It was quite amazing to watch, as he usually gets easily frustrated with building LEGOs and wants someone else to just do it for him. His proud face said it all, especially when big brother got home and expressed his amazement at how much Owen had built.

We think that we are continuing to see a pattern in Emmett, where reintroducing screen time seems to result in negative behaviors. Following screen time he tends to have more trouble controlling himself, he is much less respectful, and his mood is generally not as positive. He has a mind that is always moving a mile a minute and down time is his enemy. He hyper-focuses on whatever he is currently interested in, and transitioning to something else at the request of someone else can be very difficult, whether screens or LEGOs. But his creative side is pretty amazing to watch when he gets going. Before our last dinner at the beach, Emmett decided to make it like a restaurant. He designed a menu, set the table, and took everyone's food and drink orders. These are the kinds of things I would always see other people's kids doing. Parents would brag on social media about all the creative things their kids were doing/making/learning. And I'd be like, "My kids watched 5 consecutive hours of Pokémon today. Woo."

When we have watched TV lately, it's been World Cup Soccer or Ninja Warrior. Then we turn it off again when the game or episode ends. We're getting used to the quiet. And when it feels too quiet we listen to music. The one thing I complained about in the beginning was that they still never voluntarily chose to read. Well that happened too while we were at the beach. It was suddenly very quiet so I checked on them and they were both laying on their beds reading library books. Go figure. Another favorite moment came on the 4th when Emmett and I spent some time looking up at the night sky. We noticed that we could actually see 3 planets at once, and confirmed this using Skyview, one of my favorite apps. Space/astronomy has been a particular area of interest to the boys, especially Emmett, this summer. We have certainly made some memories, a lot of which may not have happened under normal circumstances.

Onward through July!

Reflections on the First Week of our Screen Time Revolution

The first couple of days were hard, I cannot tell a lie. I almost caved and let them watch just a little TV so that I could have some peace and quiet and get some work done. But I didn't. This is why no screens is easier for me to adhere to than attempting to limit the time. Owen whined a lot, but wanted to get out of the house more because he was bored. This was one of the desired results. However, Emmett only wanted to stay home and build with LEGOs all day. Literally, ALL. DAY. So it was difficult to try and please them both. I finally got them to agree on swimming at the Y one day to get out of the house a while. All in all I can say we survived, barely. Best quote of the week goes to Owen: "Mommy, you know what's my favorite part of this whole no screen thing? Going to sleep at night."

Thursday evening we headed out of town to my parents' house in VA, 2 hours away. For the first time since I can remember, the boys made the trip without their DVD player. They played with toys some and we all listened to music. It went surprisingly well and I was glad I decided to hold out. Owen actually fell asleep for the last hour of the trip, which he rarely ever does when watching movies.

Friday morning we headed up to Pennsylvania, a 6 hour drive. The boys wanted to ride in my parents' car, and we had already decided previously that this trip would be the one exception to screen rule. The boys were allowed to watch DVDs the entire way in the car, and you would have thought it was Christmas morning. I consider this a win, not a failure. One of my goals is to turn screen time into the exception instead of the rule for our household. In the past, surprising them with pizza and movie night used to be lack luster when they had already been watching TV as much as they wanted all day.

Throughout the weekend in PA there were just a few other times we allowed them to watch TV because we were in a rental house where the options for things to do were limited. The reason for our trip was my cousin's wedding, which was absolutely beautiful and took place on a gorgeous farm out in the country. They also had their cousins to play with and spent many hours running all over creation together, which allowed us some much needed adult time with family. I could not have been happier watching them wear themselves out on a farm without thought or mention of devices.

It did seem that the more screen time they had, the more we noticed some of the old disturbing behaviors that we almost didn't realize were gone until they returned. Whining when asked to turn off the TV and some overall grumpiness and unwillingness to cooperate at times. I am not sure if the moodiness was more a result of the screen time or more from the fact that they were outside of their usual routine and comfort zone. This is something we will have to investigate further as this experiment continues.

Upon returning home, it seems moods have improved significantly. Today was a successful screen-free day complete with slip and slide fun. Both boys worked up good appetites and ate extremely well at dinner, devouring grilled chicken, green beans, and roasted red potatoes. Oh and let's not forget homemade pudding pops for dessert! Some days are just wins.

How Did We Get Here?

If you read my first post about my kids' obsession with screens, you probably thought "How did you let it get so out of control in the first place?" Well...let me lay it out for you.

To truly understand how screens took hold in our household, you must first understand my eldest son, Emmett. The first time he walked, he ran. And never stopped. He was always on the go, always one step ahead of me, always looking to the next thing. Grocery shopping with him was a nightmare, as was any activity that required even one iota of patience from him. Sometime around the age of 2 he was introduced to his first iPhone and the game of Angry Birds. And just like that we found something that could keep his attention for significant periods of time. We began giving him a phone to play at restaurants so that we could actually go out to eat without losing our minds. I tried to keep his screen time to a minimum, only if we really needed it. He watched TV some as a toddler, but typically played with toys and paid minimal attention to whatever Nick Jr. or Disney show was on. The one exception was the Disney movie Cars, which he could watch in its entirety because it was the epitome of his one true love: vehicles. We thought we had it under control.

Enter: baby brother Owen. Oh how I loved my sweet, cuddly second baby boy...except that he was so clingy. He cried whenever I had to put him down to help Emmett with potty training or whatever else big brother, just under 3, needed at the time. I could not hold him enough for his taste. And so anything went for a while, just to keep the peace, and Emmett had screen time to his heart's desire. And Owen was born into a home where the TV was always on. And he quickly assimilated.

As time marched on more gaming devices were introduced from phones to game systems and more. Owen, even more so than Emmett, came to love video games. Now in our defense, we do and have done plenty of other things besides sitting inside our home on screens. We go to playgrounds, we bowl, attend local baseball and hockey games, go swimming, visit pumpkin patches, tractor shows, and any number of other events. But it seems that if we're at home, we're screening.

The funny thing about my idea to have our kids give up screens is that I am the least likely person to ever make a decision like this. If you had told me even two months ago that we would be doing this, I would have told you that you are certifiably crazy and to pass me the wine. Personally, I watch minimal TV and I spend some of my spare time on facebook, but otherwise I can honestly say, without a doubt, that I am not addicted to my phone. The boys did tell me that if they had to do it, I had to do it too. Frankly it's been easy. I only use my phone for necessary communication throughout the day. As for my husband, I'm allowing him to be as involved or uninvolved in this project as he wishes. It seems he is fully on board with this endeavor.

In the past I justified the amount of time my kids spent on screens in a variety of ways:

• They're tired from a long day of school, they deserve time to unwind.
• It's ok if they're learning something from it.
• Being tech-savvy will prepare them for the future in a technological world.
• They choose to do other things occasionally.
• I can get more work done when they are occupied with screens.
• I deserve time to relax and their screen time allows me that.

It's not that these aren't true. It's that they are excuses I made when I didn't want to admit that it had gone on too long. I even dreaded the fussing I was sure to hear if when I told them their screen time was over. So I just...didn't. 

Now here we are, in the nitty gritty of this experiment and I'm not going to say it isn't hard. I've been tempted to cave many times. But going cold turkey is easier for me than reducing their screen time. Even just 30 minutes is like a gateway drug. It's a full-blown addiction and the only way to kick it is to eliminate it. I fully intend to bring it back in reasonable moderation once we have proven that we can not only live without it, but that we are better off. Here's hoping we reach that conclusion sooner than later. 

Changes

I'm starting with the Mom in the mirror
I'm asking her to change her ways
No message could have been any clearer
If you want to make your home a better place
Take a look at yourself and make a change

It started with small clues that something was wrong. The boys stopped wanting to play outside. Then even Emmett, my die-hard social kid, didn't want to have play dates with friends after school. They didn't want to go to the pool or the playground or take a walk around the neighborhood. I thought they were just going through a phase, or getting older (what? They're 8 and 5!). The problem was right in front of my face but I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to have to admit it. Because then I would have to do something about it. What is it, you ask?

Screens.

TV, iPhones, iPad, Kindles, GameCube, Xbox. We have them all. And it's all they ever want to do. When they're not playing on screens they're watching TV shows where someone is playing a video game and narrating what they're doing as they're playing. It's ridiculous. And its gotten out of control at our house. From the time they get home from school until at least dinner time and even sometimes after dinner until bedtime, it's screens. One after the other until the batteries are all dead and every device is charging.

This past school year when I would pick them up from school, the first thing out of their mouths would be "Can I watch TV? Can I play my phone when we get home?" Even if I packed a snack and planned a playdate with friends, they would whine and say they just wanted to go home. And I would get mad and lecture them about how real life experiences are so much more fun than fake worlds on screens. And so we would go and meet friends and they would play for a while before asking when it was time to go home. Owen, who is not as social, would typically be the first to start whining, whereas Emmett would play well and wait until we were in the car on the way home to frantically ask if he still had enough time for screens before dinner or before bedtime. Heaven forbid our fun time with friends should cut into his precious Minecraft time. I knew something had to give.

And so I began to hatch my scheme. I read an article about letting kids have an "old fashioned summer" where they ran through sprinklers, ate popsicles, played in the creek, climbed trees, and caught fireflies. Where they have time to be bored and come up with ways to entertain themselves like using their imaginations and making things out of cardboard boxes. That's how I remember summer when I was growing up and I want that for my kids.

Of course there are a few differences in my life now than what my life was like as a kid. First of all, we live in a suburban development with a very small yard. (We're hoping to upgrade soon to something bigger, but that remains to be seen.) It's no longer safe to kick your kids out the door beyond a fenced in backyard. You can't let your kids run barefoot in the yard and roll in the grass because they'll surely get a tick bite and die. Don't feed them popsicles with all that sugar and artificial dyes and preservatives. Creek water is surely polluted and climbing trees means you'll end up in the ER defending yourself to a social worker when your kid falls and breaks their arm. But I digress from my original point.

We are giving up screens for the summer. Period.

Yes, it's going to be hard. Yes, they will whine. Yes, they will drive me crazy. Yes, they will want 5,000 snacks and beg me to play with them all day and trash the house with 10,000 toys. But I believe in this plan. I am determined to make it work. We are going to have the summer of all summers, making real memories, out in the real world, with real people and nature. And it's going to be messy and exhausting and glorious!

The End of an Era

Owen turned 2 last Tuesday.  I never really got emotional about it while it was all happening.  But afterwards I've been thinking about the fact that we are really about done with the baby era.  He still sleeps in his crib for now and he's still in diapers, but other than that, the baby stuff is pretty much gone.  I don't have the heart to put away the boppy even though he hasn't nursed in 6 months and I don't rock him to sleep anymore.  Now I rock him and sing him one song before I lay him down awake in his crib.  He always goes to sleep just fine, no fuss or fight.  Owen is usually pretty easy going.  He has reached the terrible twos as far as tantrums go.  He will throw some pretty mammoth fits over some pretty minuscule issues.  But whatever it is, its a big deal to him.  He puts up with a big brother who enjoys antagonizing him.  Ultimately I know it will make him a stronger person.  He's a very affectionate kid, especially compared to his brother who is relatively independent.  I still think the difference there can be chalked up to the way they were both brought into this world.  Emmett, who was born by C-section and spent 5 days in the NICU, the first two without being held by anyone, was never very cuddly.  Owen, who was born naturally and spent only 4 hours in the NICU, after which I held and nursed him round the clock, is very snuggly and affectionate.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I love having boys.  I don't mind at all that I spent the majority of my day playing with cars, trucks, and other vehicles and building tracks to run them on.  It sure beats playing Barbies any day.  And I think its a myth that boys are dirty and love playing in the mud.  My boys don't like to get their hands dirty.  They don't like when their hands are sandy or sticky.  They want their hands and faces wiped periodically during meals.  They are already starting to fight with each other.  They antagonize each other just to get a reaction.  I laugh at them unless anyone is getting hurt or overly upset.  But I am truly loving every minute of raising them and being at home with them.  I wouldn't trade these years for any other years of my life to date.

Bye Bye Big Boy

Emmett started preschool last week.  I have known for a while that this day needed to come, and in the end it was somewhat anti-climactic.  Sometimes you build something up in your head, expecting it to be a really big transition, and it ends up being pretty smooth. 

I waited until most preschools were already in session before I went to visit the ones I was considering.  I wanted to see the class in session and the teachers engaged with the kids.  The decision we made was largely based on the teacher of his class.  He is in the middle of his second week of school and so far I'm still happy with our decision.

When I dropped him off that first day I wasn't sure what to expect.  The only experience he has had with us leaving him with anyone other than grandparents is at church on Sundays, and he has never had a problem.  He barely notices that we leave and he gets mad when we show up to pick him up because he's having fun and doesn't want to go home.  Turns out preschool went exactly the same way, despite being at a different church than the one we attend on Sundays.  Emmett has never been shy.  He's very social and he has enjoyed playing with the other kids in his class.

After dropping him off the first day I sat in the car and cried for a few minutes.  Not because it hurt me to leave him, but because it was a big milestone in his life.  I pulled myself together and took Owen home.  I kept busy so that I wouldn't think too much about it, and soon enough it was time to go pick him up.  I was hoping to find him just as happy as he was when I left him and he was.  He did seem just a little bit glad to see me, which was nice for a change.  (That was the only day he was glad to see me though, after that he went back to being disapointed to be going home.)  When I asked him how his day went he said it was good and that he had fun.  And he wanted to go back the next day too.

The biggest worry I have had about Emmett going to preschool is his behavior.  Emmett is a very active kid who doesn't like to sit for very long.  He is also very stubborn and can be argumentative.  I have had to accept to some extent that this is just the way he is, despite my best efforts to change that.  So far he has only had minor behavior issues, and it hasn't been every day.  I'm hoping that perhaps preschool will help improve his behavior more than I have been able to.   

Bye bye baby

It doesn't happen right on their first birthday.  It happens in small increments over the second year of their lives.  Their babyhood just slips away...so gradually that it doesn't register with you until have a quiet moment to think.  Owen is going to be my last baby (barring no accidents) and its starting to hit me that a certain era of our lives is coming to an end.  He's crawling and pulling up, but he can't stand on his own yet or walk.  He's not saying much other than "Mama" and "Dada" but he did inform me the other morning that he had pooped by gesturing to his butt and saying, "Poopoo."  He's completely off baby food and he will eat almost anything I put in front of him.  He always wants whatever we have.  Too bad Emmett won't do that.  He's at the age where if we're eating it, he wants no part of it, with a few exceptions like steak and spaghetti.

Soon enough Owen will be walking and talking.  He will eventually give up breastfeeding.  Then he'll need to give up his crib and start sleeping in a bed.  We've already put so much baby stuff in storage: the baby tub, the swing, the bouncer, the baby carrier carseat.  We're keeping all of those things for now, probably to hand down to family.  Its so bittersweet, because having my babies has been the greatest part of my whole life.  But it has also been the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I am 99.9% certain that I never want to go through it again.  Not even to try for a girl, because chances are we'd just have another boy, and I don't think I would be willing to go through it again even if having a girl was guaranteed.

I have to admit, in all honesty, that I have not kept as good records for Owen as I did for Emmett.  I may have lost track of when some of his later teeth have come in.  I'm not sure exactly what day he crawled for the first time (the video camera knows if I just check though).  I'm sure there aren't as many pictures of Owen, and Emmett is in a lot of them.  I guess that's just how it goes with the second child.  But just as your first born holds a special place in your heart, so does your last born.  Both of my boys will be my babies forever.

The daily grind

Both boys are napping right now.  Emmett had a dentist appointment this morning.  There was a little bit of plaque on his teeth, so it seems I need to be brushing his teeth a little better.  Right now we only do it at night, so I think we will start brushing in the morning too and see if that helps.  Its difficult to brush someone else's teeth, because you can't tell if you're applying enough pressure sometimes.  And he's much too young to do it well enough himself.  So we'll work on that.

After the dentist we went to the playground at church as a reward for doing well at the dentist.  I always forget that I can't reward him with ice cream because the fluoride they paint on his teeth has to set for 30 minutes before eating or drinking.  Because we were out all morning, Owen didn't get a morning nap.  So he went to sleep shortly after Emmett did, which was only about an hour earlier than he usually he does.  He was a trooper.  Usually he falls asleep in the car on the way home, but he didn't this time.  I think he's growing out of that.  In fact he may be starting to give up his morning nap.  It seems way too early for that, he just started taking decent naps a few months ago.  At least now he's sleeping through the night, until at least 6:00 in the morning.  Sometimes he snoozes back to sleep on his own after that, sometimes he fusses and needs to nurse.  After nursing sometimes he goes back to sleep, other times he doesn't.  And quite frankly, 6:00 AM is earlier than I want to be up for the day.  But I'd rather he sleep straight through until then and get up early, than wake up in the middle of the night. 

Our dryer died last week.  It had been gradually drying less and less well, taking longer and longer to dry a load.  Then last Monday in the middle of a load I heard a bang and it just stopped.  Went up to the laundry room and there was a burning smell, the electrical kind.  So that was that.  Bought a new one on Thursday and had it delivered today since we were at the beach all weekend.  We bought the cheapest one we could find, because we really can't afford one right now at all.  It had good reviews and we even know someone who had one and could vouch for it.  So hopefully we don't regret the purchase.  I'm trying it out right now.  We have 7 days to return it if we don't like it, so I'm gonna use it like crazy this week to make sure I'm happy with it.

As I previously stated, we were at the beach over this past Memorial Day weekend.  We had a great time.  The weather was a little cooler than usual for this time of year, so we really only spent a few hours on Monday at the actual beach.  But the weather was perfect for being outside.  Spent a lot of time just sitting out on the deck relaxing, looking out over the waterway.  The boys were entertained by their grandparents and great grandparents most of the time, and thanks to them Chris and I got to relax.  And the highlight of the weekend for me was getting to go out on the jet skis that Chris's dad recently bought.  I hadn't been on one since senior beach week the summer after I graduated high school, and I forgot how fun it is.  I let Chris drive, I just hung on for dear life.  It was a blast!  The wind in our faces, occasional splashes of water, exhilarating.  If you've never been on one, I highly recommend it.  The weekend went by too fast as usual.  The boys were both really good for the drive down to the beach, but the way back didn't go quite as well.  When Owen is tired, sometimes he just peacefully drifts off to sleep in the car.  Other times he screams and screams until he nearly makes himself sick and hoarse.  Of course he decided to start screaming when we had nowhere to stop.  When we finally did I sat in the car and fed him, we all went to the bathroom, and we got right back on the road.  With a full tummy he went right off to sleep.  Emmett was good both ways, especially with the help of the car DVD player Chris's parents got us for Christmas.  As soon as we can turn Owen's seat around to face forward, he will be able to watch too.  We did get Emmett a new booster seat before the trip so that we could move Owen into Emmett's old seat.  He has outgrown his baby carrier car seat.  Taking it out of the car for the final time made me a little sad.  I can't believe we will be celebrating his first birthday in just over a month.  His first year has gone by even faster than Emmett's did.

Owen still isn't crawling.  I'm trying to focus on the positive, the fact that he is so much easier to handle when he's not mobile.  By the time Emmett was Owen's age, just shy of 11 months, he was walking.  I don't know if its anything I'm doing different, or if he's just different.  They say some kids never really crawl, they just get up and walk.  He's not pulling up either though, so I don't expect that to happen any time soon. 

This post has been long enough, and who knows how long I will have until the boys wake up.  Another post finished without interruption! 

Children's Museum

Last Friday night we went to the Children's Museum here in Winston-Salem for their discount night.  We hadn't been in nearly a year since the last discount night and we really wanted to see if Emmett would still enjoy it.  Well he had a blast and we decided it would be worth the money to buy a yearly membership. 

After two straight days in the house, yesterday watching the rain fall all day, we needed to get out.  So this morning we decided to go back to the museum.  I like just letting him run and watching to see which activities he chooses to go to.  Friday night he spent the majority of his time in the Krispy Kreme donut factory where they can put plastic donuts onto conveyer belts and turn wheels to make them move and fall into bins and other such things.  I figured that would be exactly where he wanted to go again, but surprisingly he didn't spend much time there today.  Emmett tends to have a pretty short attention span, especially when he's excited.  So he mostly ran from one thing to the other, not staying on any one thing for long.  I think that as we go more often and he gets used to it, he will find certain areas that are favorites of his.  They always have a craft room where they can make something, but so far Emmett isn't very interested in stuff like that.  He doesn't really like to color, he will occasionally paint, but mostly he wants me to do the drawing and coloring telling me "Mommy, draw a truck!  Mommy draw Lightning McQueen!"  He played for a while in the grocery store part.  He likes to play with the cash register, anything with buttons.  He did explore a few areas that he wouldn't try last time.  They have this big climbing aparatus that has a lot of platforms they can climb up on, which he used to be afraid of, but this time he tried it for a while.  A few times he got himself into places he was afraid to climb back down from, but I was able to talk him down each time.  He spent a lot more time in the fairy tale land today as well, trip trapping up and down the bridge from the Three Billy Goats Gruff.  I like to see him use his imagination beyond just reinacting scenes from Cars with his cars.  We spent about an hour and a half there this morning, which seemed like plenty and was a welcome break from the walls of this house.  I'm also hoping that I will have the chance to connect with other stay at home moms there.  I did see one mom that I had met at a park a month or so ago, so that was cool.  And I'm hoping Emmett might make some friends who are there regularly.

Of course the only bad thing about being out this morning is that Owen did not get much of a nap.  He didn't fall asleep until noon on our way home, when he just recently started napping from about 10:30 until noon.  And he only got about 10 minutes of sleep because he woke up as soon as I brought him in from the car.  So many times I have wished that it was ok to just leave him sleeping in the car, because he never stays asleep once I get him out.  And for the last 3 days he has taken good naps, at least an hour and a half at a time as opposed to the usual 30 minutes.  So this afternoon he didn't nap as well and I'm worried that I screwed that up with just one morning of disruption to his schedule.  Oh well, I said that with this child I was not going to be a slave to a schedule, that I was going to be more flexible for my own sanity.  So I am going to try and stick to that.  And its for Emmett's benefit too.  I can't keep him in the house all the time just so that his brother can nap on a schedule.  Its not fair to him.

Well I do believe I have actually finished a blog post without interruption.  Awesome! 

I choose to blog!

Both Emmett and Owen are napping right now.  There are a million things I should do, and a million things I want to do.  I cannot possibly do them all, and so I choose to blog.

Its amazing how fast both of my boys are growing and changing.  Owen is learning to sit up and starting to eat rice cereal.  He skipped right over rolling over.  He can't go either way, and absolutely hates being on his tummy.  I know that's supposed to be an important milestone, and if this was Emmett, I would have been freaking out.  But that's one of the wonderful things about the second child...you just don't worry as much about every little thing.  Lately I've been doing a lot of comparing between what Owen is like and what Emmett was like at the same age.  They have some things in common and other things are very different.  They certainly both have their own personalities.  Emmett was slightly bigger and started getting teeth a little sooner.  Owen has two bottom front teeth right now, and it makes his smile just that much cuter.  He hasn't been sleeping well for about 2 months now.  A good night is when he gets up twice.  A great night is when he only gets up once.  He never sleeps through the night anymore.  And a bad night is when its more than twice.  Then there are horrible nights where he won't let me put him down and I get to sleep in a chair holding him.  But I'm pretty sure those nights were only due to the cold that he had.  We haven't had a night like that since.  He won't seem to fall into a nap schedule.  He gets sleepy for his first nap around 10:00 - 10:30 most mornings.  On a good day that first nap lasts for an hour or more.  But a lot of days it lasts about 30 minutes.  When that happens, he's ready for his next nap between 1:30 and 2:00, which is good because that's when Emmett naps.  But it also means that unless that nap is a really long one, he will need a third nap around 4:30 - 5:00.  And that one is usually short and leaves him a bit grumpy (but less grumpy than with no nap at all).  On the days when his first nap is long, it means that he is awake during most of Emmett's nap, and then needs another one about 3:00 when I usually have to get Emmett up.  If we let Emmett sleep any longer, which he will do if left alone, he won't fall asleep at night until 11:00 sometimes (after laying down around 9:30).   So on those days I get zero time to myself all day, and that is hard.  The other issue is that if Owen naps in the morning and in the afternoon around Emmett's nap time, we can't leave the house all day.  So if I choose to take them anywhere in the morning, Owen gets a short nap in the car and/or stroller.  These are just some of the things that make life with two kids hard.

But the good things outweigh the bad most days.  I love when Emmett plays with Owen.  Owen already worships the ground Emmett walks on.  He smiles and laughs at him, watches whatever he does, and wants to be wherever he is.  Emmett is not always the best role model, but he's only 3 years old.  We have talked to him about the great responsibility he has as Owen's big brother.  For the most part it goes right over his head, but I know it will start to sink in bit by bit.  Emmett impresses me constantly with his ability and intelligence.  He has a memory like an elephant.  He has only been on this earth for 3 years, but he will recall memories from before he was 2 just out of the blue.  He knows all his letters, numbers, colors, shapes.  He even knows some of the lowercase letters too, which we are just starting to work on.  His imagination is limitless.  His favorite toys are still cars and trucks, with trains coming in as a close third.  He has a lot of the cars from Disney's Cars the movie (his all time favorite movie) and he narrates as he plays and its so much fun to listen and watch him when he doesn't know I'm paying attention.  I'm considering starting him in preschool just a few mornings a week, but I'm not sure how to make it work right now.  With me staying home we really can't afford it and with Owen I still can't work even part time while he would be at school.  Instead I try to find opportunities to get him together with other kids.  I'm thinking of getting a membership to the Children's museum so that we have somewhere to get out of the house when its cold or rainy besides the mall playground and Barnes & Noble.  Its amazing how difficult it has been to find other stay at home moms who want to have playdates.  Even a local mothers group that I joined has failed to provide me with playdate opportunities.  We go to playgrounds to find other kids, and luckily Emmett is very social and makes friends quickly.  But then we rarely ever see the same kids again.  And when I do meet other moms at parks I am too shy to ask for phone numbers.  Its like dating all over again.      

I started this post about a week ago and stopped because the baby woke up.  And of course I never found the time to finish it.  I've finally decided that I am going to have to start posting these things unfinished whenever I get interrupted, otherwise I will never post at all.  So you may start to see posts that seem unresolved or even stop mid sentence.  But the point of this blog is for me to write about my life as it is right now, and constant interruptions are just a normal part of that.  When you have two children, someone always needs something.  I can't imagine what its like for anyone with more than two.  Anyway, this is all I have time for today.

Owen's Birth Story

            Owen’s birth story could not be more different than Emmett’s.  Where in the beginning of Emmett’s I had to put a warning that it would be emotional and possibly difficult to read, Owen’s is merely joyful.

            Tuesday July 3^rd, two days after my due date, I went to the doctor.  I was declared only one centimeter dilated, as I had been for 3 weeks.  After having a c-section with Emmett, I was determined to give birth vaginally this time.  But the odds were not looking to be in my favor.  Despite the risks, my doctor and the consulting OB determined that we would wait one week and if nothing happened we would schedule an induction.  I was nervous about the increased risk of uterine rupture, but I was willing to risk almost anything to avoid a c-section.  And so, we waited.

            On the morning of Saturday July 7^th I woke up and went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of blood.  It scared me at first, because since I was induced with Emmett, I had never gone into labor before and I didn’t really know the signs.  I referred to my “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book and found that this is what’s known as the “bloody show” and that labor was most likely 24-48 hours away.  I didn’t get my hopes up, because I had just accepted the fact that I was incapable of going into labor on my own.  Chris’s parents had graciously offered to take Emmett to their house Saturday night and sent us on a “last date” before we had the baby. 

We went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, during which I began to feel some mild tightening feelings in my stomach.  It didn’t really hurt and they weren’t very strong, so I didn’t really think they were contractions.  We went on to a movie, “Snow White and the Huntsman”, during which these tightening feelings began to get stronger.  By the end of the movie they were beginning to get strong enough to where I would call them pains.  We passed the hospital on our way home and I jokingly said to Chris, “Hey, we might be checking in there sometime soon!” thinking we were still maybe a day away.  We got home around midnight and I took my usual nightly shower and went to bed.  I was reading my book in an attempt to ignore the pain so that I could get to sleep.  Well the pains got stronger and more frequent.  I decided to start timing them and sure enough, they were about 5-6 minutes apart, but they were only about 30-45 seconds long.  Knowing the 4-1-1 rule (4 minutes apart, one minute long, for one hour) I thought they weren’t long enough to bother calling the doctor.  They began to get closer to 4 minutes apart about 2:00 AM, and even though they weren’t long enough, I decided I better wake up Chris (who had been snoring beside me since I got out of the shower) to get a second opinion.  He timed a few contractions with me and we decided we better call the doctor.  When Chris told him who he was and who he was calling for, the doctor joked “This can’t be the Kim Correll I know, she doesn’t go into labor!”  Chris explained our situation and the doctor suggested we go to the hospital.  We finished packing our bag and Chris took a shower, all the while the contractions were getting stronger and more often.  I got to the point where I had to stop what I was doing and double over the bed or the counter or whatever I was standing next to whenever a contraction hit.  Lucky for us, Emmett was already at his Nana and Pawpaw’s house so we didn’t have to wait for them to get here.  About 3:30 AM we headed to the hospital.

Chris dropped me off at the entrance to the women’s center and went to park the car.  The hospital was so empty and quiet that it was eerie.  When Chris met me with our stuff we hopped on the elevator and went up to labor and delivery triage.  They took me into one of the little triage rooms to check me out.  We answered a bunch of questions and did paperwork.  The triage nurse checked me and I was 3 centimeters dilated.  At that point my contractions were painful but bearable.  I was able to force myself to relax through them with a lot of concentration.  They had to come and start my IV because I had tested positive for the Strep B and needed penicillin.  I started getting nervous about the IV because I know from previous experience how much those hurt.  I tend to be queasy about needles anyway, and I noted the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since dinner at 6:00 the previous evening.  On an empty stomach and low blood sugar, needles tend to make me faint.  I explained this to the nurse and she offered me a drink. I chose a ginger ale for its stomach settling properties.  However, one sip and I felt like I was going to throw up.  They handed me something to throw up in just in case.  I forced myself to breath and calm down and the nausea subsided.  The nurse came to start my IV and I asked if it was possible to have it in my arm on the side of my wrist instead of the back of my hand (I had one there years ago when I had jaw surgery and I remember it being much less painful than the one I had in my hand when I had Emmett) and she was surprisingly agreeable.  She found a vein quickly and it was in.  She did a great job.  Normally when I tell them needles make me queasy, they send in their best person who can get it in quickly with one try, thank goodness.  Of course as soon as they get the IV in I realize that I have to pee, so they help me roll my cart down to the bathroom (the creepiest part of the IV is being attached to a cart by your vein, ew!).  Then they put me in a wheelchair and took me to a labor and delivery room.

I got all settled into my bed in the labor and delivery room somewhere between 4:30 and 5:00 AM.  They strapped the fetal heart monitor to me and the contraction monitor.  Owen’s heartbeat was strong and all was looking good.  The anesthesiologists came by to see if I wanted an epidural.  At that time the contractions were strong but bearable so I told me I was going to wait and see.  I continued to breath and relax through the contractions.  I even attempted to sleep in between them, but I wasn’t getting long enough breaks in between.   

My doctor, Dr. Rosen, arrived around 7:00 AM and checked my progress.    I was expecting a lot of progress, but I was only 4 centimeters dilated after all that time passed.  I was worried about having a long labor again like my first one.  He said that 4 centimeters was a really good time to break my water, so he did that.  After that things got real.  The contractions became intense and they were coming closer and closer together.  I was barely getting breaks in between and I was no longer able to relax through the contractions.  I was gripping the bed rails or Chris’s hand and moaning and gasping through them.  The epidural was beginning to sound like a really good idea at that point.  After about an hour of that I decided I would have them check my progress again and if I was close to fully dilated I would try to stick it out.  Well I was only 5 centimeters at that point.  I decided that being only halfway there, there was no way I wanted to do that much more without the epidural.  They called anesthesia to come back and I swear it felt like hours before they showed up.  I was begging anyone who would listen to get them to hurry up.  I was losing my mind with pain at that point, moaning and crying.  And I’m not ashamed to admit that, labor is absolute hell.  They finally showed up and I felt a little queasy as I watched them lay out the needles and equipment.  But you know its time when the fear of the next contraction trumps the fear of them putting a needle into your spine.  The process is still very unpleasant, and when they were done I was still feeling the contractions.  They said I would feel about 3 more and then it should start to kick in.  Boy when it does, it is sweet, sweet relief.  You even get a little button to push when you need more pain relief.  I relaxed and shortly afterwards I took a nice nap.  Of course part of me wishes I was strong enough to do it without pain meds.  And I know that women have been giving birth for years without anything.  But my nurse put it into words the best way I’ve heard yet.  She said, “Well you could have a cavity filled without Novocain too, but why would you?  Take the help if its available.”  Of course a month later when you get the bill you wish you had been stronger.  But in the moment no price is too great.  I only had one complication with the epidural.  All of a sudden I started feeling a little dizzy and nauseous.  My blood pressure dipped really low and they had to give me something in my IV to bring it back up again.  That was a little scary, but I started to feel better right away.  I didn’t have any further issues.

At 10:00 I was checked and declared fully dilated.  I started pushing.  I grabbed my legs and I pushed hard.  I was determined that this baby was coming out the traditional way.  I pushed through about 3 contractions and he was getting close to coming out.  They offered to let me watch in the mirror this time, and I actually decided to look.  All I can say is…woah.  But I began to believe that I was going to be able to do this.  On the next contraction the doctor told me to push gently because he would definitely be coming out with the next push.  Despite the epidural I was not completely numb, so I felt him being born.  Owen Mark Correll was born at 10:26 AM on July 8^th.  They held him up briefly so I could see him before they took him over to the table to clean him up.  I confirmed for myself once and for all that he was a boy.  I think a tiny part of me was still holding out hope that all the sonograms had been wrong.  They called out his weight as 8 lbs 3 oz and his length at 22 inches.  His crying sounded strong but he was still working a little too hard to breath.  They said he just came so fast that he didn’t get all the fluid squeezed out of his lungs.  He needed to go to the NICU to get better cleaned out and to have a chest x-ray.  This struck fear into our hearts because this was all too familiar, reminiscent of Emmett’s birth.  But I could tell his breathing was much better than Emmett’s, his cry louder, clearer, stronger.  They said he would most likely spend about 4 hours in the NICU before being brought to the room.  We said, “Yeah, we’ve heard that before, and last time he didn’t get out for 5 days!”  They assured us this was very routine.  They wrapped him up and let me hold him for just a few minutes before they took him away.  It was wonderful to be able to hold him at that moment, even if it wasn’t for very long.  Then they put him in one of those clear plastic incubator boxes and rolled him out.  I could tell Chris was more concerned than I was about him, so I did my best to reassure him, explaining the difference in the way his crying sounded.  Then Chris left to go to the NICU to be with Owen.  I was so happy that I managed to deliver him vaginally.  I barely felt how tired I was.  I wasn’t even worried about Owen.  All I could do was smile.   

While all this was going on, Dr. Rosen was doing his repair work, sewing where I had torn and also where he had had to cut me.  I was slightly disturbed by how long he was down there sewing, so I asked him if everything was ok.  He said everything was all right, that it was perfectly within the realm of normalcy for a first delivery even though it was my second attempt.  I said, “Good, because its starting to hurt and my button won’t work anymore.”  He said the epidural was out but that he was almost done.  In what world is it acceptable to be able to feel the doctor sewing you up?  I guess anything goes in labor and delivery. 

A few minutes after he was finally done with the repair work, my parents arrived.  We had waited until 7:00 AM to call them and tell them I was in labor.  We didn’t want to wake anyone up at an ungodly hour.  Then things went so fast they didn’t get there until after the baby was born.  That was ok with all of us though, because they would have left while I was pushing anyway.  The nurse came with a wheelchair to take me to my postpartum room.  On the way we stopped by the NICU to see Owen.  He was perfectly fine, no oxygen necessary, chest x-ray clear.  They said they would have him to my room in a little while.  What a relief!  He needed to go to the nursery first for some routine checks first and then he would be all ours!  It felt so great to have a baby in the healthy baby nursery this time. 

Once I got settled into my room we proceeded to make the necessary phone calls to family and friends.  I got to eat lunch, which tasted so good even though it was hospital food.  I was just so hungry I think any food would have tasted good to me.  I will say one thing, our hospital has the best sweet tea EVER.  I requested it with every meal.  I also like how our hospital gives you choices for your meals.  They come and take your order each day for the next day’s meals.  Its good for picky eaters like me.  And even though it sucks to be in the hospital, I have to admit I love being waited on.  I’m sure I drank too much soda while I was there too, but to have someone bring you whatever you want whenever you want it is pretty cool. 

The next day Chris’s parents came with Emmett.  I couldn’t believe how big he looked when he walked in the room.  I had been so used to holding a newborn for the last 24 hours.  Emmett was really excited to see Owen.  And he seemed really glad to see us again.  He seemed a little weirded out by me in a hospital bed.  He did climb up on the bed and sit with me for a little while, but we never did get a family picture with all of us because he wouldn’t cooperate.  My parents took him home to our house for the rest of the day and we stayed one more night in the hospital.

It felt really weird to be discharged and going home about 48 hours after having Owen.  To some extent I was ready to go home, but I was also a bit nervous about it.  I wasn’t sure how difficult it would be to handle both boys at once.  My mom stayed for the rest of the week with me to help me out.  Then she went home and I was on my own.  And the rest is history.  

 

 

40 weeks and 5 days

I am past due again.  Am I really surprised?  No, not really.  I have no idea what it is about me or my babies that causes me not to go into labor.  I know its not something that I can control.  I've done everything that I know of, that I've read about, that people have told me to try.  So if there was something I could do to go into labor, it would have happened. 

I went to the doctor this past Tuesday.  I was still dilated 1 cm just like I have been for 3 weeks now.  My doctor needed to call the OBGYN doctor that we have been consulting with to discuss options.  Much to my surprise, they are willing to attempt an induction.  The risk of uterine rupture doubles when labor is induced but it is still a very small risk.  I will go back to the doctor this coming Tuesday if labor doesn't happen on its own before then.  At that time we will schedule the induction at the hospital to begin Wednesday night.  The plan is to do what they call cervical ripening (insert a certain medication and let it sit overnight while you sleep to soften the cervix).  Then they will begin pitocin (the drug that makes you have contractions) Thursday morning.  That's what we were supposed to do when Emmett was born, but when I got to the hospital last time for my induction I was already having contractions that were about 10 minutes apart.  I was barely feeling them, so I didn't even realize it.  Because I was contracting they decided to skip cervical ripening and start the pitocin that night, even though I wasn't dilated at all.  26 hours and change later, Emmett was finally born by c-section.  Despite getting fully dilated and pushing for 2.5 hours, his head was too big to push out.  I am a little worried that an induction will just go the same way it went last time.  But I feel that it is worth a try to avoid having a c-section.  And the doctors think this baby is smaller than Emmett was.  My biggest fear is that this baby will end up going to the NICU with breathing problems like Emmett did.  But, I have no reason to believe that having a c-section instead of an induction would make that any less likely to happen.  The doctors don't seem to think so either, becuase I asked about risks to the baby, stating that as my biggest concern (obviously).  Of course there is still a chance I could go into labor on my own before Tuesday, which would be the best case scenario.  But I'm not too optimistic.

I have everything ready for the baby to be born.  Thanks to my crazy nesting, I couldn't be more ready.  Everything is clean, washed, and in place.  The house is in the best shape its been in since we moved in 6 years ago.  I would love a bigger house, but I've done the best I can with the amount of house we have.  We have 3 bedrooms, which will soon all be occupied (no more guest room, unfortunately).  But if we can make this house work for a few more years while the kids are little, it will save us a lot of money and make it possible for me to stay home with my boys.  When they are both ready to be in school full time, I will be ready to go back to work full time.  Not that I'm looking forward to going back to work, I am certainly happier staying home with them.  But to go back to having 2 incomes again would make life so much easier for us.  We could actually plan some fun things like vacations for example.  And deep down, I do miss teaching just a little bit and I would like to give it another try.  Plus teaching is perfect for being a mother.  That's a small part of why I chose it as my profession in the first place.  By the time I go back my teaching license will have expired, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 

Now it is time to go take care of my current chocolate craving while Emmett is still napping.

39 weeks and 3 days

Due date is Sunday.  So far, nothing's happening.  I'm getting really impatient.  I'm hot and uncomfortable.  And I'm anxious.  If I go past due, the chances of having another c-section increase.  No one will give me a straight answer about induction.  One doctor says that research has been released stating it is safe to induce labor using pitocin in a VBAC attempt, but that the hospital's official stance is that they won't allow it.  Another doctor says that it may be possible but that the hospital doesn't like to do it.  The OBGYN doctor we consulted with says that they prefer you go into labor on your own to attempt a VBAC.  The risk is one in 2,000 that the uterus could rupture at the previous incision, resulting in an emergency c-section.

Other factors that a VBAC hinges on:
1. baby's position - head down:  check
2. baby's size:  so far not too big, but head measured large at 37 week ultrasound - not a deal breaker

So if I go past due, I just don't know what I want to do.  I want to avoid a c-section if possible, so I don't want to just schedule it for the day after my due date.  I am not sure if I want to be induced, because the chances are higher that my uterus could rupture.  And I'm not sure they will allow that anyway.  But the longer I go past due, the bigger the baby could get, making it less likely that his head will fit through my pelvis, which was the problem with my first labor and delivery.  I just want to go into labor naturally sometime between now and Sunday.  I'm beginning to feel pretty stressed about it.  I have my regular doctor's appointment tomorrow.  At my 38 week appointment I was still one centimeter dilated just as I was at 37 weeks.  Another disadvantage to going past due is that I will be required to go to the hospital for non-stress tests every 2 days or so until the baby comes.  That is not only inconvenient, but expensive since insurance only covers part of those just like everything else.

Reasons why I feel stressed about having another c-section:
1. pain - I was in severe pain for the first 2 days after having the c-section, to the point where I couldn't even walk down to the NICU to see my baby.  Took me almost 24 hours after to be able to climb into a wheelchair in order to go see him.  Was able to walk by the afternoon of the 3rd day.  Was discharged on the 4th day while my baby remained in the NICU, and at that time I was unable to bend over far enough to pick something up off of the floor.  Pain also made breastfeeding difficult, as it was nearly impossible for me to the hold the baby, even with a nursing pillow, in the necessary position.
2. risks to the baby - when Emmett was born by c-section he ended up with a lot of fluid in his lungs, as well as meconium.  This resulted in a 5 day stay in the NICU and then another 5 day stay in pediatrics getting antibiotics.  Babies who are squeezed through the birth canal the traditional way get a lot of that fluid squeezed out naturally.
3. fear of epidural without being in any previous pain - not really excited about the prospect of a needle in my spine when I feel perfectly fine.  It was nothing compared to the pain of contractions, but to go in cold and just get a needle in my spine doesn't sound too good.

Reasons why I feel stressed about having a VBAC:
1. risk of uterin rupture - could cause me pain and all sorts of other complications.  Could cause the baby to be at risk for all sorts of complications as well.
2. stresses to the baby as a result of the pushing - Emmett had severe bruises (hematoma) on his head from the 2.5 hours of pushing.  Also, being in the birth canal for such a long labor may have been the cause of the fluid and meconium in his lungs.

I really hate waiting.  I hate having all of this out of my control.  And I hate the fact that ultimately, I'm going to have to make a really difficult decision if I don't go into labor by Sunday.  I really had no idea how difficult it is to have another baby after having your first child by c-section.  Who would have thought?   

Almost there!

I am 35 weeks along now!  Two more weeks and I'll be 37, which means the baby is officially considered to be full term, although the due date is at 40 weeks.  I'm a little overwhelmed, but I'm finally getting pretty excited about it.  I'm ready to get this baby out.  Partly because I am getting increasingly bigger and more uncomfortable, and the weather is getting increasingly warmer and more unbearable.

Oh and its a boy by the way.  I was disapointed about that at first and it took me a little while to get over it.  I'm pretty sure I only want two children, so this was my only chance to experience the mother-daughter relationship from the mother perspective.  My relationship with my mother is so great, I really wanted to pass that on to a daughter of my own.  I also wanted to give my mother a granddaughter.  Who knows, I just might decide to try one more time.  But the way I feel right now, I don't see that happening.  Plus there's a good chance I would just end up with a third boy, and that would just be...too much.  I was really hoping for a break from cars, trucks, trains, and vehicles of all kinds.  Maybe this one won't be into those things.  But really, there are a lot of reasons that I'm glad I'm having another boy.  I can't wait to meet him.  I'm hoping he comes early, and I have a feeling he will.  He is much more active than Emmett was, and I have a feeling he won't be content to be cooped up in here much longer. 

Things are looking good for a VBAC attempt.  So far he's been measuring normal size for his gestational age.  I have gained significatnly less weight this pregnancy, and actually got a compliment from my doctor about that last week.  He is also in the head-down position.  As long as I go into labor naturally and don't have to be induced, we should be good to go.

Emmett slept in his big boy bed last night!  I am so proud of him.  He went to sleep on his own and slept through the night, until almost 9:00 which is actually later than I would like him to.  But he still took his nap on time, also in his big boy bed!  He's just now starting to wake up.  My biggest fear about it all was that he wouldn't stay in bed.  But we got an extra-long safety rail that goes almost the entire length of the bed.  Its also a day bed, but a low wooden one that has rails around three sides already.  So I think he honestly doesn't realize that he could possibly climb out.  He'll probably eventually figure it out, but for now it works.  So that's one big step in getting him ready for the new baby.  The next step is getting him potty trained, which we have started on, but haven't gotten real serious about yet.  I figure we'll give him the rest of the week to get used to the new bed before we start potty boot camp.  Don't want to overwhelm him with too many changes at once.  I think once he sees how much more comfortable underwear is compared to diapers, he'll be glad to make the change.  Lately he messes with his diaper a lot, like its bugging him.  And he'll pee in the potty most of the time when we ask him to, and sometimes he asks to go on his own.  So we've got a good start.  I think he can do it before the baby comes and then we won't have two kids in diapers at once.  But we'll see.

So everything is going well!  I still have a lot of work to do to get ready, but I'm getting closer to being there.  Now that Emmett is out of the nursery, I can really work on getting the nursery ready.  I need to get all the baby clothes out and washed, get clothes of Emmett's put away, set up all the baby stuff again.  I'm actually excited to do all of that.  More nesting!

Great Expectations

I am 26 weeks pregnant, and this is the first time I have mentioned it on my blog.  Most people that read my blog already know anyway.  But I guess its time that I write about it.

We are expecting our second child on July 1st.  We don't know the gender yet, it was unable to be determined during our last sonogram.  We should have another sonogram on Tuesday, but I'm not getting my hopes up that we'll find anything out.  I'm not sure if its just that my children are shy or that my doctors' office has poor quality sonogram equipment, because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Emmett.  Regardless, we are going to get a 3D sonogram done around 30 weeks, so we'll know by then for sure.  Emmett thinks he is having a baby sister.  He won't even consider the fact that it might be a boy.  However, I have a strong feeling that its another boy.  But who knows, I had a feeling Emmett was a girl, so what do I know? 

This weekend Emmett is going to spend Saturday night at his grandparents' house so that we can work on his new bedroom.  We need to get it cleaned out, move the queen bed out and put a bunch of stuff in storage.  I hate losing our guest bedroom, but honestly we don't use it very often, only when family comes to stay.  We mostly use it for storage right now.  We are considering getting a pullout couch for the living room, but we really don't need a new couch and then we'd have one more thing to put in storage to use later.  Hopefully we'll get a lot done, because we really need to get Emmett's new room ready so that he has time to get used to it before the baby comes.  I don't want him to feel like he got pushed out of his room because of the baby.  But Emmett's nursery was neutral (remember how I mentioned that we didn't know he was a boy until I was 30 weeks along?) so we figure we might as well just leave the nursery decorated the way it is (it has a celestial theme, all stars and moons and such).  And even though Emmett's crib is a convertible one that goes to toddler bed and then to full size bed, we think we are just going to use it as a crib for now and get him a twin bed.  We considered bunk beds, but I think we've decided against that for now.  Of course if we have another boy they could eventually share a room, but I don't want them to feel like they have to.  Even brothers need their own space.  Not sure what kind of theme I want to do for his big boy room.  I'm not sure if I want to let him pick out his own or not.  I'm not a big fan of cartoon character themed rooms (I feel the same way about clothes for him) and I have a feeling that's what he'd pick if I let him.  I'd rather just have a combination of solid colors.  But if he picked it out himself, he may be more interested in sleeping in there.  I'll think some more on it and decide later.

I've had some difficulty with my feelings regarding this pregnancy.  I just can't believe how different it feels.  I haven't had the same level of excitement, and in fact in some ways I am dreading this.  Is that terrible to say?  I can't help it, its the truth.  First of all, I'm not looking forward to another labor and delivery.  The day Emmett was born was the best day of my life and the worst day of my life all at the same time.  I'm terrified to go through it all again.  Not only was labor painful and exhausting, but it ended in a c-section after more than 24 hours of labor, and the worst part is that Emmett had breathing problems that were life-threatening and his first night was very scary.  And I slept through it.  I wasn't even able to be there with him because I was too out of it from pain meds and sheer exhaustion.  I am so afraid that the same thing is going to happen again.  I am hoping to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) and if all goes well with the pregnancy I should be able to try.  But that in itself comes with its own risks to me and the baby.  But really, how could it possibly go any worse? 

And then there's the fear of doing the whole newborn phase again, up all night, no sleep, exhaustion that threatens your very sanity...with a 2 year old at the same time.  Emmett should also be very afraid, because the Mommy he knows may not be the same for a while, or ever again.

All of these things weighing on my mind are keeping me from enjoying this pregnancy.  I really wish I could somehow let it all go.  I just want to be excited again, about the miracle that a new baby is.  I know that once its all over and I have a healthy baby in my arms, I will be ok.  But until then I just don't know.   

Emmett's 2nd Birthday

Again, this post is happening way after the fact, consdering Emmett turned 2 on November 30.  But I don't want to miss documenting these things.

When we went in to his room to get him in the morning Chris and I both greeted him with "Happy Birthday!"  We had been asking him all week how old he was going to be, but he still didn't know when we asked him.  His presents were waiting for him on the coffee table in the living room when he got downstairs.  He got a handmade wood helicopter, a little electronic piano, and a car track with two battery powered jeeps that drive on it.  The track is flexible and can be rearranged different ways, complete with a bridge that the jeeps can go over and under.  He loved that.  It was nearly impossible to tear him away from it long enough to eat breakfast.

As mentioned in the previous post, the main event of the morning was his haircut.  Then we ate lunch at home and he took his usual nap.  After his nap we took him to the mall so he could ride the train.  He had been obsessed with the train for months and we decided his birthday was a good time to take a ride.  Chris rode the train with him while I took pictures.  Emmett had a huge smile on his face the whole time and Chris said he kept turning to him and saying "Fun!"

And after the ride we took him to the mall playground and just let him run around.  Here he is climbing up on an apple.

For dinner we took him to his all time favorite restaurant, Arby's.  He ate his all time favorite sandwich, a roast beef.  After that we went home so he could play with his new toys until bedtime.  I think he had a good day, at least I hope so.  We didn't do anything remarkable, we simply tried to make the day all about him.  I still can't believe that my baby boy is already 2 years old.  So far the terrible twos aren't too terrible.  He has his moments, but overall he is a really good kid.  We are lucky parents. 

Emmett's first haircut

This post is happening way after the fact.  Emmett got his first haircut on his birthday, November 30.  I've been meaning to document it with pictures since then, and I'm finally getting around to it.

Chris made an appointment for him with the barber he always goes to.  He seemed a little weirded out when we first went in, but it didn't take him long to start walking around and checking everything out.  There was a man in the chair getting his hair cut (unfortunately Chris didn't need one that day) so we tried to show him and explain what was going to happen.  At one point he tried to get out the door, so he was already feeling a little apprehension.  When it was his turn I picked him up and set him up in the chair.  He freaked out, starting crying and screaming and flailing and doing anything to try and get out of the chair.  I really didn't know what to do.  The barber suggested that we both step back and just start taking pictures or do something else.  And that actually worked.  After we stepped back and he realized he couldn't be saved, he quit flailing and just sat their and accepted it.  He continued to cry for another minute or so.

He eventually calmed down and sat quietly while the barber cut his hair.

We never did get him to smile.

But he looked very handsome when it was all done.

Overall it was a success.  He looked so much older when it was done, like a little boy instead of a baby.  I got a little teary-eyed over it later, after putting him down for his nap.  And of course I have a little ziplock bag of his hair that I will save for his baby book.  We made sure the rest of his birthday was all fun and nothing else unpleasant.  I will be documenting the rest of his birthday with pictures later on.  And his hair is already starting to get long again, he will be due for another one soon enough.  Hopefully now that he has experience it will go better next time.